Zack & Miri Make a Porno

Kevin Smith's sophomore attempt at leaving Jay & Silent Bob behind is exponentially better than his previous effort, Jersey Girl. Zack & Miri Make a Porno is a gleefully vulgar romantic comedy that almost flawlessly merges the worlds of Kevin Smith and Judd Apatow. While Apatow had no direct involvement with Zack & Miri, his influence is undeniable. Apatow regulars Seth Rogan, Elizabeth Banks, Gerry Bednob, Justin Long and Craig Robinson share the screen with Smith's friends Jeff Anderson and Jason Mewes, along with the least cringe-inducing appearance Smith's wife Jennifer Schwalbach has made in a film so far. The result is kind of like an all-star game for potty-mouthed adolescent humor. Robinson steals every scene he's in, but otherwise the cast is universally hilarious, with the exception of a surprisingly underused role by real life porn legend Traci Lords. Cameos by Brandon Routh and Tom Savini are also underwhelming, though I guess Routh can't really be blamed for having his scene stolen by Long. The film's other real pornstar, Katie Morgan, manages to make her character both delightfully ditzy but still endearing (maybe it's just me, but I almost busted out my sides at her delivery of the line "I think they're in Hell."). And of course there's Rogan's Zack and Banks' Miri, who are so incredibly cute and believable together as platonic friends who would secretly love to be with one another. The film's biggest emotional payoff comes when it's time for them to finally have sex. A lesser comedy would have placed this scene near the end of the movie, but Smith cleverly places in in the second act, and lets the results play out over the rest of the film. The last act wraps up a little too nicely, and Smith fumbles some of the more emotion-focused scenes, but overall I enjoyed Zack & Miri Make A Porno nearly as much as Forgetting Sarah Marshall, which is still my favorite movie of the year.

Playing catch-up, per usual

As is my style, I have called in sick to blogging for awhile, so now I have a pile of movies to get through.

Tropic Thunder
A lot less funny than I was expecting, but still entertaining. Robert Downey Jr. in blackface didn't go as far as I'd like to have seen. But I'm happy that Jack Black was essentially pushed to the background, and wasn't a major presence. Tom Cruise gets a lot of (well deserved) credit for his small role, but where is the love for Matthew McConaughey? I laughed harder at McConaughey than I did at Ben Stiller.

Pineapple Express
Also a lot less funny than expected, though still suitably amusing. I'm growing tired of Seth Rogan. He's certainly funny, but he's a one-trick pony. Luckily Pineapple Express surrounds him with great supporting actors (Danny McBride and Craig Robinson, in particular), and pairs him with a gleefully unrestrained stoner performance by James Franco. And as good as most of the minor performances are, I really wish that Rosie Perez had been given something, anything, to do in this movie.

Burn After Reading
I stopped watching this movie about 2/3 through. It had some laugh-out-loud moments and everyone appeared to be putting forth effort, but the script doesn't make the audience care about anyone. There's no one to relate to, so the film just felt like it was wasting my time. But I do want to give it some credit: it has the greatest pure expository scene I have ever witnessed. Around the 2/3 mark (and shortly before I stopped watching), David Rasche's CIA agent walks into his boss' (JK Simmons) office and explains all of the plot's developments up to that point in the movie, with both Rasche and Simmons completely confused by what's happening. Finally, something I could identify with in this damn movie.

Sold Out: A Threevening with Kevin Smith
Smith's third Q&A DVD does nothing new, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. Some of his stories can get a little long (I didn't need to hear that much about his dogs), while I wanted others to be even longer (his experiences working on Die Hard 4). Including the DVD bonus material (which is just more footage), Threevening runs 5 hours, so there's plenty of content to be interested in. Smith is entertaining regardless of the topic, though I am more interested in his candid stories about the entertainment industry (his Battlestar Galactica experience, the proposed live-action Clerks TV series) than I am with his personal life (seriously, like a friggin' hour about his damn dogs). For the $13 I paid Amazon, I certainly got my money's worth just with Smith's stories about Bruce Willis.

Postal
I enjoyed an Uwe Boll movie. As in, actually enjoyed the movie. Not in a campy way.

I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry.

The movie is hit-and-miss, and (it could probably go without saying) horribly directed. But the jokes that work have more punch than those of Tropic Thunder or Pineapple Express, and they succeed with about the same frequency. Thus, of the comedies I've watched recently, Postal has been the best (it should be noted that I just felt a part of me die when I implied that an Uwe Boll comedy was funnier than a Coen Brothers comedy). From the opening scene where a couple of airplane hijackers get into an argument about how many virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife (and whether they ever get refreshed, because even 100 virgins would get old and boring when stretched into eternity) to Osama Bin Laden skipping out on Al Queda's terrorist activities to attend a management seminar, the jokes are so absurd that even the failures make the viewer think "OK, that was dumb, but what the fuck...?" David Foley turns in what I consider to be his best comedic performance since his Kids in the Hall days. Is Postal a classic? No. But comedies haven't been doing so well this year (Forgetting Sarah Marshall being the exception), so Postal stands out as being just slightly edgier and funnier than the rest.

12 to see

Copying from my friend Nick (who was copying from an article he read), here is a list of 12 movies that I need to see. Given the choice between watching a classic masterpiece and a direct-to-DVD Wild Things sequel, I'll choose the crappy movie every time. There is something living inside me that thirsts for garbage. Thus, many older movies have gone embarrassingly unwatched by me. And despite this list, many will continue to be usurped on my Netflix list by the inevitable release of Species 5. So for me, this list is more an admittance of guilt than a list of desires.

12. MASH
Too many memories about the terrible TV show have always kept me from watching the original movie, despite the fact that many consider it Altman's best film.

11. The Blues Brothers
I hate blues, and the sequel was terrible. But I keep hearing how funny the movie is, and that there is an amazing car chase.

10. The films of Sidney Lumet
I haven't seen a single one. Seriously. That needs to change.

9. Any Martin Scorsese movie made before 1985
After Hours is the earliest Scorsese film I've seen. Taxi Driver, Raging Bull, Mean Streets, The King of Comedy. Haven't seen any of them. I have no excuse.

8. Matinee
I've been wanting to watch this Joe Dante comedy for a while now, but it's out of print at the moment.

7. City of God
This one will happen. It's on my Netflix list.

6. Secret Honor
A little-seen Altman film about Richard Nixon, which apparently features the best performance ever given by Philip Baker Hall.

5. Chinatown
Don't say a word, Nick. It's on my media center PC at home, I just haven't watched it yet. But it's there, ready to be viewed the instant I am in the mood for a classic. So back off.

4. The Deer Hunter
Also on my media center PC.

3. 12 Angry Men
Lumet's films are already on this list, but this one gets its own entry. The high-mark for single-set character studies. So I'm told. But I will find out for myself.

I would also like to see William Friedkin's 1997 made-for-TV remake. Look at that cast!

2. The Conversation
#2 on my Netflix queue at the moment.

1. The French Connection
I will watch this tonight. I swear.

Upcoming Hopes

Fall and Winter are approaching, which means that studios start cranking out their Oscar bait. While a shallow marketing ploy, it also makes it the absolute best time of the year for cinephiles to go to the movies. Here are some of the upcoming films I'm looking forward to.

The Road
Cormac McCarthy's post-apocalyptic best-seller gets adapted by the guy who brought us The Proposition (one of my favorites films of 2006). Sign me up.

Burn After Reading
There is a trend lately whereby critics associate the phrase "a Coen Brothers comedy" with The Ladykillers and Intolerable Cruelty. Clearly these people have forgotten about Raising Arizona, The Hudsucker Proxy, and The Big Lebowski. Do not underestimate the Coens. Not now, not ever.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Early word is that David Fincher might finally get an Oscar nod. It's about goddamn time, and might help calm down my anger from Zodiac failing to get a single nomination.

Body of Lies
William Monahan, Ridley Scott, Leonardo Dicaprio and Russell Crowe. There are my reasons.

Quantum of Solace
Ever see Casino Royale? If you answered "No," then guess what you'd better do tonight? And I'm a guy who hated 007 movies.

Zack and Miri Make a Porno
This Kevin Smith comedy was rated NC-17, but got downgraded to R on appeal (without having to make cuts). The last time this happened to Smith? Clerks.

Feast 2 & 3
Because no list would be complete if I wasn't looking forward to some D-grade horror. And I am actually looking forward to these.

Midpoint '08

My fellow blogger Cinema Romantico (who is also the person that trained me during my first day working for a movie theater, the job that ultimately transformed my casual enjoyment of movies into a full-fledged obsession) recently posted his brief Midpoint Review, and didn't have a whole lot to say about 2008 so far. There was never a realistic hope that '08 would ever live up to the year that preceded it. 2007 was a monumental year for modern cinema in terms of quality. 2008, so far, has pretty much been a year of lost opportunities. But I still see that as a good thing.

Take a look at the big blockbusters this year. Both Iron Man and The Dark Knight are beginning to push the formulaic superhero genre into deeper territory with fully developed characters that we actually care about, and action sequences that enhance the plot rather than punctuating it. Hancock also tried a unique take on superheros, though with much less success (quality-wise, 'cause it did just fine financially).

Speed Racer was a huge flop, but no one can argue that it didn't push the boundaries of what a movie can do visually. It was a mind-blowingly gorgeous film that was unfortunately operating off of a weak script. The Happening was also the victim of a bad script, but had an original plot and some great moments.

My point is that many movies in 2008 have been trying to do something new. Even when they fail, I'd rather sit though a movie that has at least some ambition rather than watching another by-the-numbers action thriller or romantic comedy. So I think 2008 has been going great. 2007 showed that audiences are not just attracted to big explosions and pretty people kissing (though those staples are not at risk of disappearing anytime soon), and 2008 has shown us that Hollywood isn't afraid of testing out other waters. In my opinion, the film industry is very slowly starting to realize that we, the audience, are not as dumb as they thought.

As for my picks for the year so far? (in no particular order)

• The Dark Knight and Iron Man - for the reasons stated above.
• Forgetting Sarah Marshall - a very funny romantic comedy where the characters act like they are real people, even the "evil" ex-girlfriend.
• The Signal - a low-budget horror movie that looks good and has original ideas. Special mention to the pitch-black comedy 2nd act, which made me laugh harder than anything else this year, then seamlessly transitioned right back into horror.
• Rogue and Black Water - both movies about killer crocodiles that let the animals act like animals instead of monsters. The former lets its characters have the ability to make rational decisions, and the latter shifts away from the reptile and focuses instead on the isolation and fear of the people. SIDE NOTE: When will Radha Mitchell finally be noticed and given the A-list fame she so richly deserves? Watch her in Everything Put Together and then try to tell me she doesn't deserve to be a star.
  
• Taken - Well-made thriller with a great lead performance by Liam Neeson and a handful of fantastic scenes, but somewhat predictable. (Looks like the US release has been pushed back to January 2009, so this might not actually qualify for this list)
  

The Walk-Out

I love to criticize movies. It is so much more fun than praising them. Poking holes in paper-thin plots and characterizations provides me with opportunities galore to think of witty one-liners and clever turns-of-phrase to express my displeasure of cinematic failures. It's like letting setting my brain loose in a carnival of wordplay and hyperbole. I love it.

But past a certain line, I cease to be amused. Some movies are just too worthless and inconsequential to spare the precious breath necessary to even describe their plot, let alone waste brainpower in given them original critiques. I reserve my highest level of criticism for these films, a simple phrase that sums up my feelings perfectly: I walked out.

I am a man who has witnessed every last second of Big Daddy. I bore witness to Crossroads. Somehow I have even managed to survive every theatrical release by Michael Bay and Uwe Boll. Two days ago I even watched Metro for some reason. I own Silent Hill. Clearly I do not consider my time to be worth very much. So when I voluntarily choose to walked out on a film, that is saying a lot.

I should take a moment to differentiate between the act of walking out on a film and the act of stopping a film prematurely. In the modern age of DVD rental services and easily-downloaded film content, it has become commonplace to stop watching a movie if it gets to be too boring or is of poor quality. It is also fairly common to skip through lesser parts of the film, so that the experience is more akin to watching a highlight reel of the movie rather than the movie itself. I am absolutely guilty of these behaviors, which is why I am able to watch so many horrible straight-to-DVD atrocities. Walking out on a film is a purely theatrical experience, so the home video market is automatically excluded. After all, those movies came to me.

When I say that I walked out on a movie, I am meaning: that I left my home; drove my car to the theater regardless of weather conditions; possibly spent money on either admission or snacks (and I say "possibly" because I worked in a theater for many years and thus got everything for free, though money would have made no difference); found a seat; endured the presence of others; allowed my senses to be assaulted by giant images and loud noises; decided that I am willing to write off the whole thing (travel, food, etc) as a loss so I can end the experience as quickly as possible; get back in my car; drive back home; and weep. Or to put it another way: I would rather be tired, depressed and missing 90 minutes of my life than watch the last act of Brokedown Palace.

It is my ultimate insult to a movie. And to the best of my recollection, these are the only films I have ever bestowed such hatred upon:

• Brokedown Palace
• Dick
• Shanghai Knights
  
• Mortal Kombat: Annihilation
• Sorority Boys
• Jawbreaker (which I acknowledge as the worse film I have ever seen, and I only saw 35 minutes of it)
  

Liam Neeson is Badass

Hancock
Hancock wastes a great premise but does manage to entertain as a mindless popcorn flick. Will Smith does a decent job as a bitter alcoholic superhero and Charlize Theron does a decent job of being pretty, but Jason Bateman is gratingly annoying. The villain was uninspired, the comedic possibilities of a drunk superhero were squandered, and the "twist" surprises no one but the characters. But I was at least mildly entertained for most of it.

Wanted
Angelina Jolie is sexually attractive. Which is good for Wanted, since her role is just to stand there and look hotter than scientists previously thought possible. Her spoken words are few and far between, which is probably for the best given how ridiculous everyone else's lines are. The plot, style and dialog appear to have been generated by a marketing team that took note of how much young people enjoyed Fight Club, The Matrix and The Fast and The Furious. But Wanted lacks the satire of Fight Club and the ambition of The Matrix, which makes it just about on par with The Fast & The Furious. That's not a compliment.

Taken
Liam Neeson plays an absentee father who is slowly trying to integrate himself back into the life of his daughter (Maggie Grace). He missed out on her growing years while he was "working for the government." His former occupation is never fully revealed, though it is strongly implied that he was involved in some form of espionage. Famke Janssen plays Neeson's ex-wife, who uses every opportunity to undercut Neeson's attempt to be a part of their daughter's life. When the daughter is given tickets to travel around Europe, Neeson is resistant to the idea. Janssen guilts him into signing a release (the daughter is only 17, and needs both parents' signatures to leave the country). Sure enough, the daughter almost immediately gets herself kidnapped. While a contrived development, the kidnapping is perhaps the best standalone scene I've watched this year. Neeson is on the phone with his daughter when it occurs, and he immediately switches into Jason Bourne mode and starts giving her instructions on what to do. I mention Bourne because that is basically who Neeson turns into once his daughter is taken. He flies to Paris and begins tracking down the kidnappers, leading him into a world of human trafficking and corrupt law enforcement. The plot elements are nothing new, but when co-scripted by Luc Besson, the formula is at least infused with some serious energy. But it's Neeson who holds the film together as he relentlessly tracks his daughter down. Like last year's sadly unnoticed Seraphim Falls, Neeson has one goal and moves towards it like a juggernaut. He's enthralling in this role.

Briefs

Doomsday
It's Neil Marshall's weakest film, but it was still fun to watch. It pays homage to Escape From New York and The Road Warrior by stealing liberally from them. Hell, I think I even saw stuff from Escape from LA in there. But Rhona Mitra makes an incredibly dull (though spectacularly hot) lead, and great screen presences Bob Hoskins and Malcolm McDowell are given nothing to do. But it was fun seeing about 90% of the Dog Soldiers cast work together again.

WarGames
I remembered this 1983 cult classic as being rather silly and far-fetched. Watching it again, this might be the most accurate representation of a computer hacker I've ever seen. The intelligent computer personality is born from fiction, but everything else about the way computers are treated in this film is accurate. Matthew Broderick spends an entire week just trying to crack a single password. Now that's the boring reality of hacking that's been missing from cinema. As a side note, the film opens with a scene featuring John Spencer and Michael Madsen, in 1983. I never knew either could look so young.

Manticore
For a Sci-Fi Channel movie, it wasn't as ridiculously bad as I was expecting. It wasn't good, but it looked competently made and was reasonably acted. Also, I think they messed up on the Manticore legend, because I'm pretty sure that a flying lion is a Griffin.

Redbelt
I really enjoyed this right up until the "What the Hell?" ending. It felt like the movie was missing its final reel. And because of the terrible ending, it sullies what was turning out to be a great vehicle for Chiwetel Ejiofor.

The Love Guru
What can I possibly add to the giant heap of crap that has been piled upon this film by critics worldwide? I'll say this instead: The Love Guru could have been a great comedy. It has a lot of really funny jokes and sight gags. But Mike Meyers is not content to use any of those jokes just once, and chooses instead to repeat them again and again until just the memory of them makes viewers vomit. An example of this tendency is demonstrated in the first scene of the movie. We hear Morgan Freeman's voice narrating that, as a boy, he found a voiceover machine. The camera pans down to Meyers, who is holding a microphone. That's fucking hilarious. Then, Meyers turns the machine off, and there is a closeup of the machine. We see a knob, and the three options are "On," Off," and "Morgan Freeman." We didn't really need that shot. We all know who Morgan Freeman is, and it doesn't really matter whose voice it was anyway. The joke worked without knowing. But then Meyers says "I had it set to Morgan Freeman." Yes, we already fucking know that! We recognized his voice right away, and then you showed it to us on the knob! We know it's him! You've ruined the whole thing now!

Speed Racer
This will go down as my Guilty Pleasure movie of '08. I loved this movie. I know, it's really really bad. The story is right out of a badly translated cartoon, the brother and the monkey are like having brain herpes, and the visuals threaten at all times to send the viewer into a seizure. But I had so much fun watching all the bright, candy-colored excess. The Wachowksi Brothers are phenomenal filmmakers (though hideous screenwriters), and they pull out all the stops. The intercutting between a past and present race during the opening scene is handled wonderfully, climaxing in cars from both eras racing against each other. And John Goodman surprisingly gives one of his best performances in years. I was enthralled by this, against my better judgment.

The Dark Knight

Let me get this out of the way: The Dark Knight is a fantastic movie, and I strongly recommend that everyone go see it.

Now on to my complaints.

Part of what I loved about Batman Begins was the attempt by the Brothers Nolan to give realistic-sounding explanations for why Batman is the way he is, and how he came to possess the gadgets he possesses. He chose the bat image because it is meant to frighten and intimidate. The Batsuit is made up of individually functional parts. The chest was designed for military combat. His gauntlets are carryovers from his ninja training. The ears of his mask/helmet house a small communications transmitter and antennae. There was a practical purpose for everything. A large part of my hatred of the 90's Batman franchise (especially Schumacher's run) was directly related to the focus on bizarre production design elements that existed solely to be cool, and made no damn sense at all. Remember Batman & Robin, where Batman and Robin both shout "Batskates!" in unison, and ice-skates suddenly immerge from their boots? I wish I didn't.

The Dark Knight once again sticks pretty close to practicality, but I noticed elements of "cool" starting to work their way in. That Batcycle, for example. The Batcycle was friggin' awesome, but it was never explained. The cycle just ejects from the side of the busted Tumbler? When did that modification get installed? And if the Tumbler was so damaged that it could no longer drive, why did all of the machinery necessary to eject the Batcycle seem to work perfectly? The sonar phone was pretty far-fetched, but at least Morgan Freeman was given 4 seconds to explain it. The Batcycle just shows up and jumps headlong into an action sequence (and probably the best one this year).

It certainly works to the advantage of the film, but it starts to make me weary about the future endeavors of the franchise. How long until the Batcycle suddenly has an ejection seat that converts into a rocket pack? How long until his gaunlets shoot lasers? How long until.....until......batskates?

My Weekend

My wife left town for the 5th & 6th (she's caddying for her dad in a golf tournament), so I had plenty of time to lay around and not accomplish anything. These were the movies that aided me in that feat.

Forgetting Sarah Marshall
Very funny movie, as most people have already said by this point. It's the usual Judd Apatow mix of manchild humor mixed with the basic outlines of real emotion. It's not Oscar gold, but it beats the crap out of any post-2000 Kate Hudson movie. I was surprised by how much characterization was given to Kristen Bell and Russell Brand. In most romantic comedies, they would have been evil caricatures. Bell is given a great scene were she explains how much she tried to love Jason Segal's protagonist. Brand spends most the of movie hamming it up, but has a few quiet revelatory moments where we see that there is a real person hiding beneath his crazy rockstar veneer. I can't wait for the inevitable extended, unrated DVD.

The Happening
If I had been writing my thoughts down in a journal, this is how it would have likely appeared.

(0:05) "This isn't so bad."
(0:20) "The dialogue is bad, but I'm surprisingly involved."
(0:35) "This movie got cheated. This is pretty good."
(0:40) "Wait, what?"
(0:50) "Oh, thank God they're not really going with that 'killer plants' angle."
(0:52) "Are you fucking kidding me?"
(1:00) "Now who the Hell is this lady?"
(1:08) "She's ancient, just punch the bitch in the face and continue cowering from the plants."
(1:10) "The wind? Really? That's scary?"
(1:15) "It's just over? Like that?"
(1:18) "I hate you. I hate you so hard."
(1:20) "I can't understand what they're saying. I think I forgot to turn on the subtitles. Oh well, they're French. No one cares what they're saying."
(1:21) "Good, I'm glad they're going to die."

Was it as bad as everyone made it out to be? Not really. But it was still plenty bad.

Flight of the Phoenix
I'm a few years late on this one. I'm not even sure why I chose to watch it now. It was maddeningly mediocre. It's always right about to be something better, without ever actually becoming something better. And just when it seems like it will get so much worse, it levels out. Overall I don't think my time was wasted watching it, but I could have used that time to watch something better.

Fear Itself: "Eater"
None of the episodes of Masters of Horror where great, but a few of them were pretty good. When I heard that the show was being canceled, I was disappointed. But shortly afterward series creator Mick Garris announced that he was starting a similar series for NBC, titled Fear Itself. The only difference? NBC's show was going to be watered-down for network TV. Naturally, I had no hope for the series. And neither did Garris, apparently. Not long into production he left the show (but he still gets a "Created By" credit). When the episodes started airing, they received abysmal reviews and not much audience. In fact, if this were not the slow summer season, I have no doubt it would have been yanked off of the air by now. By it's been allowed to keep limping forward. And after watching the episode entitled Eater, I am damn happy that it's summer. It took 5 episodes, but Fear Itself finally landed a good one. And more surprising is how much gore made it into the episode. I've been watching TV for years, and I've never seen that much carnage on network TV. This would have been considered a gory episode even if it had aired on Showtime as part of the original series. Props to Stuart Gordon for always finding a way to bring out the good stuff. The plot is Horror 101 stuff. A shape-shifting voodoo cannibal is loose in a police station, and the cops have to fight for their lives. But Gordon can make anything creepy, and he really turns on the juice for this one. I doubt there has ever been a scarier hour on network TV. But I also believe that Eater is a fluke, a small glint of light in an otherwise stormy sky. Fear Itself should still be canceled, and Showtime should renew the rights to Masters of Horror so we can get back to the unfiltered stuff.

Could Be A Good Idea, Probably Will Suck

Undoubtedly you have seen the ads for Get Smart's Bruce & Lloyd Out of Control, the direct-to-DVD Get Smart tie-in movie that features some of the theatrical film's minor characters in their own adventure. While I have no doubts that the movie will be atrocious, I am intrigued by the concept of near-simultaneous releases of major motion pictures and smaller films that tie-in to the larger story. Cartoons have been serving this function for a few years now with varying results (the really good Batman ones, the mixed-bag Animatrix, and the terrible The Chronicles of Riddick: Dark Fury), and mostly aimed at bridging the gap between sequels. But until now, live-action tie-in releases where extremely rare. If Bruce & Lloyd manages to make some cash, I can easily see this becoming part of the regular Hollywood business model. And while my first instinct is to be horrified, I can't help but think that this could be really great if put in the right hands.

I'm not delusional. I know that this type of treatment will only be given to the big-budget blockbuster releases, and we won't be seeing a No Country For Old Men spin-off showing the early career of Woody Harrelson's Carson Wells (I can always dream). But even then, there is potential. Imagine that The Bourne Ultimatum had a DVD tie-in that followed Julia Stiles after she had to go into hiding. Maybe we can get a glimpse at how Karen Allen spent the last 20 years while Indy was away. Or perhaps a 007 movie that followed M around for a day instead of Bond? I'm sure just a regular day at the office in M's shoes is probably interesting enough to warrant a $6 million budget.

These are my hopes, but they are sadly not my expectations. Rather, I fully believe we'll get a Mummy side story about how Brendan Fraser's kid uses an ancient scroll to stop the harassments of a school bully. Even if I give some creative credit to the studio system, I know the best we're likely to see is a 60-minute movie showing the amount of time and craftsmanship that the killer dedicates to making all those horrible devices in the Saw franchise (which I would kinda like to see, actually). I can always hope that some maverick filmmaker will see the artistic potential in this idea instead of just dollar signs. It's a foolish hope, But I still have it.

Black Water

After watching Rogue, I've been on a bit of a killer crocodile binge. Lake Placid 2 was unbelievably bad, and my next film on the list, Croc, doesn't look to be much better. But the little Aussie indie Black Water is pretty good. Probably better than Rogue, if only because Rogue gets a little dodgy at the end and Black Water's ending is more realistic. In fact, it's actually real.

Black Water is not technically a giant killer crocodile movie, but is instead a normal killer crocodile movie that is "Based on a True Story." A woman, her husband and her sister decide to take a guided fishing trip in the mangrove swamps of northern Australia while on vacation. They miss the main tour, but the assistant tour guide offers to take them out on his small fishing boat. After finding little success in the normal fishing spots, he takes them to a more remote area of the swamp. They unknowingly enter the territory of a crocodile, who rams the small boat and overturns it. The tourists scramble onto some of the trees growing out of the swamp, but the guide is dead (the movie doesn't make it clear if the guide was killed by the crocodile, or if he was struck by the overturning boat). The rest of the movie takes place in this location as the characters try to get to either the overturned boat, or to the pistol that is on the guide's corpse. Each requires them to get into the water, and the crocodile is still around.

Like Rogue, Black Water lets the crocodile act like a crocodile, concerned more with protecting its territory than with mindless slaughter. Unlike Rogue, the crocodile is not giant, just a regular ol' crocodile (which is still 12-14 feet long). In fact, the crocodile is barely seen. If a crocodile is hunting you, you're not going to see it. And that absence makes the suspense sequences in Black Water more credible. Maybe it's still there, or maybe it left to go do something else. Adding to the fear are the normal sounds of the swamp. Bubbles gurgle to the surface. Water swirls as something moves beneath. Small splashes are heard in every direction? The crocodile, or just fish and dragonflies? The film benefits greatly from its location shooting. During filming, a 14-foot crocodile attacked and made off with one of the cameras. Now that's location shooting. In fact, there is not a single artificial crocodile effect in the film. If there's a crocodile onscreen, it's real. That includes the shots that have humans and a croc in the same frame.

Black Water actually has more in common with Open Water than it does with Rogue or Lake Placid. It's about a group of humans who are stranded in nature and forced to confront the harsh reality that they are no longer the apex animal. I'm naturally predisposed to liking movies where humans have to face off against nature and fail miserably, so I walked away from Black Water very satisfied.

NOTE (and possible spoiler warning): Given that this is based on a true story as told by a witness, you know that at least one person will make it out alive. I give props to Black Water for never indicating which characters are doomed, laying the risks equally upon the whole cast and not bringing any one character to the fore.

Even More Catching Up

Yes, just a few more.


Cloverfield (A Revisit)
A ground-level view of a giant monster attack on New York City is a fantastic premise for a movie, and it mostly works in Cloverfield. The shaky-cam thing gets really annoying at times (which instilled a lot of hostility in me the first time I watched it), but is extremely effective in several scenes (the subway tunnel sequence in particular). The characters make the same dumb decisions that get made in every monster movie, but their fear and disbelief always seems real. It works well as a popcorn movie, and has several memorable action setpieces. And a special mention goes to Lizzy Caplan, who takes a minor role and upstages everyone with it.

Diary of the Dead
Diary of the Dead does the Cloverfield shtick, but with zombies instead of that weird Godzilla thing. And does it very poorly, I might add. George Romero has never cared much about characterization, focusing instead on the bigger themes. That approach has always worked for him in the past (even in Land of the Dead, a film that was mediocre for Romero but still better than most genre movies out there), but fails spectacularly in Diary of the Dead. Romero tries to make some statements about the media, but indestinguishable characters spell death for a movie that is shot in the first-person perspective. We have no interest in the people holding the camera, so we don't care what happens to them. At least the movie is mercifully short.

Strange Wilderness
I liked Grandma's Boy. Sue me. It was dumb humor, but it largely worked because it all felt so unforced. The cast was just so comfortable playing a group of underachieving stoners (gee, I wonder why), and the humor felt natural. Strange Wilderness tries to mine the same territory, but everything about this movie feels labored. Much of the Grandma's Boy cast returns, but without any of their humor. The bad jokes (and there are a LOT of them) don't just fall flat, they land with a deafening thud and are then kicked an additional 12 times. Being extremely generous, I'd estimate that only 1 out of every 9 jokes actually works. And that's only because Justin Long and Jonah Hill knock their roles out of the park. Steve Zahn does what he can in the lead role, but his efforts are not given any rewards by the script. Everyone else is a waste. Cameos by Harry Hamlin and Robert Patrick have the potential to be comedy classics, but end up just laying awkwardly lifeless on the screen (though Hamlin's death is funny...kinda). Here's the best way to describe the movie: it's the kind of film that features a man's penis getting stuck in the throat of a turkey and having to be removed in a very sensual way by a busty female nurse. Am I the only one smelling an Oscar?

Playing Catch-Up (Reprise)

You didn't think I'd gone months having only watched 4 movies, did you?

Outpost
Surprisingly, I watched a 3rd decent horror flick this year. Ray Stevenson (Rome's awesome Titus Pullo, and the next Punisher) stars as the leader of a small mercenary group hired by a mysterious Englishman to serve as bodyguards on an expedition somewhere in Eastern Europe (which is the most specific the title card ever gets). Where are they headed? To a lost Nazi bunker, of course! Turns out the Nazi were big into conducting unethical experiments with human subjects (No! Really? The Nazis? I don't believe you). And because this is a horror film, there are other nasty surprises to be had. This is great B-movie fare, combining the best elements of Dog Soldiers and Event Horizon, but with Nazi pseudo-zombies. The characters are mostly one-dimensional, and everyone chews scenery, but the tone is kept creepy and the set design is a character of its own (very much like Session 9). And unlike other war-based horror movies (Deathwatch, The Bunker), this one pulls off its ending quite well.

Sharkwater
Sharkwater will probably be the most gorgeous film I see this year. Filmmaker Rob Stewart started as a professional underwater cameraman, so he knows how to capture the really great shots. And with Sharkwater, he uses those shots to bring light to a greatly overlooked problem: massive destruction of the shark population. Unregulated fishing is leading towards the possible extinction of sharks (the first time humans will have been responsible for the extinction of an apex predator). Even better than the beautiful cinematography is the ground-level view he brings. He collides with an illegal fishing boat, gets chased by gunships, is arrested, flees custody, and comes close to having his leg amputated. Exciting stuff for a documentary about big fish. The film's only real drawback is Stewart himself, whose passion for the subject is eclipsed only by his need to constantly make himself the main character. He's a buff, tanned surfer dude. And you can tell, because of the 20 or so shots of him walking around on the beach shirtless, staring meaningfully off into the horizon. When the camera is pointing the other way, the movie is great.

No End in Sight
This 2007 Oscar nominee for Best Documentary gives a fair, bi-partisan view of the Iraq war disaster (at this point, there really isn't any other word for it) and how it came to be. It doesn't set out to be an attack on the war, but the plain facts make it seem so. The filmmakers talk to the people that were there, from 20-something Army troops to former Secretary of State Richard Armitage. If I go into too much detail, I'll start ranting. Let me just say this: the person put in charge of running the traffic grid for all of Baghdad was a freshly-graduated Georgetown student with no traffic experience who didn't speak a word of Arabic. She was the daughter of a Bush campaign contributor. Ebert gave this 4 stars, and it deserved every one of them. It deserves every one of the many accolades it has earned. See this movie! It is on Netflix and can be viewed instantly. If I've made it sound like a finger-pointing, Michael Moore-esque film I assure you it is not.

Playing Catch-Up

So, I obviously haven't updated lately. I wish I had some worthy excuse, but the truth is that I have just been lazy. And I continue to be lazy, which is why I'm just going to write a few quick blurbs about the stuff I've watched lately.

The Signal
Every year I manage to find at least one great horror movie, and I can now check this year off the list. The Signal is far from flawless, but it has ambition, ideas, good performances, and does a fantastic job at hiding its small budget. The plot: Every TV, radio and phone begins broadcasting a chaotic signal. Anyone exposed to the signal for too long is suddenly filled with the urge to murder. Naturally, the world goes to Hell pretty quickly. The film is divided into three vignettes, which it calls "transmissions." The first transmission deals with Mya, who has been having an affair with Ben, arousing the suspicions of her husband Lewis. Mya's story takes us through the beginning of the outbreak, and is the fastest-paced of the three sections. The hilarious second act focuses on what can be considered either the greatest or worst New Year's party that has ever shown up on film, as Lewis tries to find Mya. Lewis' story is noteworthy because it establishes the POV of an infected person. In their mind the violence is completely rational. The final story follows Ben as he tries to find Mya before Lewis does. The movie's moral is pretty heavy-handed during the last stretch, but it has a clever climax (using a person's distorted perspective against them), and Ben is a great protagonist. Most of the reviews I've read claim that The Signal is destined to become a cult classic. It definitely deserves to be. The recently-released DVD features three additional "transmission" short films, and they show the outbreak from a few other perspectives (people working at a TV station, a man in a Best Buy-type of store, and a family on a road trip). Well worth a Netflix rental.

Rogue
Wow, two decent horror movies in the first six months of 2008? That's unprecedented. Before I say anything further, let me give this disclaimer: Rogue is a movie about a giant killer crocodile. As such, there's only so good a movie within the "giant killer animal" genre can ever get. Rogue is one of the better ones I've seen. The plot is nothing new, but the direction is solid, and the characters act like they actually have brains. Radha Mitchell operates a sight-seeing boat in Australia. Michael Vartan is a travel writer from Chicago who is doing a piece on the outback. While giving the tour, Mitchell sees an emergency flare and must respond. They find a sunken boat, and a croc that could kick the crap out of the ones in Lake Placid. The boat is run aground on a small island, and the rest of the movie involves the various schemes to traverse the distance between the island and the shore. A surprising amount of thought goes into their plans. I was reminded rather oddly of last summer's Sunshine, where decisions are made based on which plans have the most favorable risk-assessment. And while a few of the deaths are predictable (minor characters are minor for a reason), a couple are quite surprising. Best of all, the movies lets the crocodile act like a crocodile. The small island is barely bigger than the croc itself, and the croc could walk right onto land at any time and kill everyone. But it doesn't, because it only becomes aggressive when the humans invade its territory, which unfortunately is the water between the island and the shore. I realize this still sounds like a Sci-Fi Channel movie, but I assure you it's a well-made creature feature that is far more enjoyable than that shitty Prom Night remake that made $40 million.

Tooth & Nail
The After Dark Horrfest has been going on for two years now, and has so far highlighted sixteen films. All of them have been bad. Tooth & Nail is just plain terrible, which is unfortunate because it starts out really interesting. In a post-apocalyptic world, Rider Strong (Cabin Fever) and Michael Kelly (2004's Dawn of the Dead, TV's The Shield) are members of a survivors group led by Robert Carradine (Revenge of the Nerds). They are trying to live a peaceful life and slowly rebuild some form of society. One day they stumble upon a man being cannibalized. After scaring away the cannibal, they find a wounded Rachel Miner (Bully), the victim's girlfriend. They take her back to their home, and a few days later are being besieged by a gang of cannibals, called "Rovers," whose ranks include Vinnie Jones (Snatch) and Michael Madsen (no reference here, you should just know who he is by now). The setup has the appeal of a great, trashy B-movie, but the execution becomes scattered and boring after the first twenty minutes. It wastes the cast (especially Jones and Madsen, though Carradine gives a performance way above the material), and lets the plot unravel with all the grace of a water balloon hitting a brick wall.

Futurama: The Beast With a Billion Backs
I won't give away plot details, but I thought this was a marked improvement over the first Futurama movie. The jokes are better, and the movie isn't trying to cram itself full of minor characters and throwback references like Bender's Big Score did. Guest voice work by David Cross is great, and Brittany Murphy does well as the woman Fry yearns for. And while continuity and plot have never been a huge priority of the Futurama series, there is a lingering plot development at the end of this film that changes the dynamic between some of the characters in a way that really wasn't expected. I'm very curious where they will take this in the next movie (you'll know what I mean when you watch it).

88 Minutes

I've had this movie since May '07. "But how can that be?" you might be asking yourself, "It doesn't come out in theaters until next Friday." My answer: I have ways, man. WAYS.

Also I have the internet, which comprises approximately 100% of my "ways."

As it turns out, 88 Minutes has a long history. It was made in 2005, slotted for a 2006 release, then shelved and scheduled for a 2007 direct-to-DVD release. When the threat of the writers' strike became evident, Sony decided to hold off on the DVD release, in case it had to do a theatrical release to fill in the product void a writers' strike would create. The strike did happen, the void exists, and 88 Minutes hits theaters next Friday.

I watched this movie less out of an interest in the plot (the trailers made it look like a run-of-the-mill thriller), but because the cast appealed to me. Al Pacino, Leelee Sobieski, Alicia Witt, Amy Brenneman, Debora Kara-Unger, William Forsythe, Neal McDonough, and Battlestar Galactica's Leah Cairns (I have a crush).

Sweet crap 88 Minutes is awful. Maybe not Uwe Boll-awful, but certainly Reindeer Games-awful. Pacino appears to be talking while asleep, Alicia Witt seems to either be mixing uppers and downers or is bi-polar, Leelee Sobieski appears to have shot her scenes out of sequence over a 3-year period where she was slowly gaining weight, and William Forsythe (who is one of cinema's all-time-great heavies) is taking the same nap as Pacino. Brenneman doesn't totally embarrass herself, but isn't memorable. Deborah Kara-Unger has all of 3 minutes onscreen, and can't screw up too badly because she has nothing to screw up. Neal McDonough is always good, and is the standout here. And the highlight of the entire film is Leah Cairn's sweet, sweet ass. Said ass gets about a minute of screentime in the beginning, and the film goes downhill from there.

And the plot? Al Pacino gets a cell phone call from someone who tells him he has 88 minutes to live. Paranoia and murder ensues. The film throws in so many obvious thriller cliches that it actually does become hard to spot the eventual twist. This happens not because of style, but because the movie is so filled with cliches that up until the final reveal, the writer could literally just pick any character out of the bunch to be the killer and have a complete motive and backstory. I watched it with my wife, and I was constantly calling out what I thought the outcome will be. With about 15 minutes left in the movie, I paused it and laid out at least 5 wildly different scenarios that could be the eventual twist. It's bad enough when one ending is predictable, but when I can watch a movie and know every single way the plot could possibly go, that's just terrible, terrible filmmaking.

And what's worse is that the director of this film, Jon Avnet, is also the director of the upcoming thriller Righteous Kill, which will reunite Al Pacino with Robert De Niro. Pacino and De Niro finally together again, in a film from the creator of 88 Minutes. What a terrible world we live in.

Lazy Reviews

Things I've Watched Recently:

Cloverfield
This would have been a fine sci-fi thriller if not for that gimmicky shaky-cam crap. The shaky-cam style should be used to add a sense of rawness or urgency, not complete and utter confusion. Yeah, I know, the characters were confused and so we're supposed to see them being confused. But after 20 minutes, it wears out its welcome and becomes annoying. It also would have helped if the movie weren't populated by idiots. "Hey, the giant monster is right in front of us! I know, I'll turn around and film my friends' reaction to the monster instead of the monster itself! I'm brilliant!"

Rambo 4 (aka John Rambo or Rambo, depending on which country you're in)
Not terrible. I guess. It held my attention, even if I was rolling my eyes half of the time. The action was way overdone, but as repetitive as it was, I never actually got tired of seeing people get hit by .50-caliber rounds. But Richard Crenna was dearly missed.

The Beast (aka The Beast of War)
I'd always heard that this 1988 film was an overlooked classic, so I finally got around to watching it. I wouldn't go so far as to call it a classic, but it was a damn fine movie. It focuses on a lost Soviet tank during the war between Russia and Afghanistan. The tank and its crew have just wiped out an innocent civilian village, and are being pursued by a group of Afghan rebels bent on revenge. The tank's commander (character actor George Dzundza, in the best role of his career) is slowly losing his mind, while the crew (including a young Jason Patric and very young Stephen Baldwin) begin to have a crisis of conscience. The tank scenes play like excerpts from Das Boot, though inside a different vehicle of war. There are major flaws (no actor even attempts a Russian accent), but they are easily ignored in favor of plot momentum. The movie is basically one long chase, and the tension is kept high at all times. I highly recommend this to anyone with a Netflix subscription.

The Mist
Ridiculous ending aside, I loved it. But I also loved the novella, and the film doesn't stray very far from the source material (apart from the the previously mentioned ending). I think Richard Roeper described it best when he called it "...one of the best B-movies of 2007, and I mean that in a good way." It relies on atmosphere instead of jump-scares, and focuses as much on the dark side of human nature as it does on the monsters. Just remember to stop the movie as soon as the main characters pull away in the Land Cruiser. Just pretend they drive off into the mist and the credits roll.

Walk Hard

This post isn't about the movie, which was very enjoyable but certainly not last year's strongest comedy (I'm sorry, but that honor goes to Hot Fuzz).

Instead, I'd like to take a moment to recommend that everyone who reads this post immediately stop reading, walk to your motorized transportation vehicle, drive to your nearest music retail outlet, and purchase the Walk Hard soundtrack.

The songs are gloriously funny. They are not parodies in the way we tend to think of parodies, but rather the conventions of several musical eras taken to the extreme. What do I mean by this? Listen to this take on the typical 60's Bob Dylan song: Royal Jelly.

There perfect versions of the stereotypical Harry Chapin ("Let Me Hold You"), Buddy Holly ("Take My Hand"), and LSD-era Beatles ("Black Sheep") songs. And of course there are multiple takes on the prototypical Johnny Cash songs (the standouts being "Let's Duet" and "Guilty As Charged").

So go out right now and buy this soundtrack (or illegally download it online if you are a filthy pirate who wants to rob the RIAA....sorry, I mean the artists....of their hard earned cash).

Not a pimp, so suicide is still an option

I just watched Southland Tales.

I have no idea what to type.

If you've seen the movie, you'll surely identify with me on this one.

As per my brain's typically simplistic style of coping with things I've just seen, I shall make the following analogy:

Watching Southland Tales is like standing at the end of a line of all the most attractive, desireable males in all of existence, and having the Roman goddess Venus walked dismissively past all of them, kiss you on the cheek, and then hit you in the nuts with a bowling ball.

This analogy works on 2 levels.

1. When you try to explain what happened to others, no one will believe you.
2. While you can no longer reproduce, there's no doubt you were kissed by a Goddess.

So you might ask, "Is the film good or bad?"

My answer: "I have no fucking clue."

I actually watched Southland Tales 5 days ago, and it's taking me this long to write a blog that can even make this much sense.

Here, one last way to describe it, perhaps more accurately: Southland Tales is a movie that abducts you from your home and returns you several days later with a nice manicure and a glass of the finest liqueur you've ever tasted, but no memory of what occurred and a suspiciously sore left ankle.

The Last 2007 List, I Swear

After making my initial Best Of list for 2007, I then had to make an amendment. Now, weeks later, I shall be making more. I've seen a few more 2007 releases that have left me greatly impressed, while I have also re-watched some of my earlier choices and found that their quality fades upon second viewing.

And now, for the last time, I will present my choices for the best films of 2007 (in Top 15 form this time):

15. Seraphim Falls
14. Knocked Up
13. The Lookout
12. Sunshine
11. The Bourne Ultimatum
10. Hot Fuzz
9. Wristcutters: A Love Story
8. Juno
7. There Will Be Blood
6. Grindhouse
5. Rocket Science
4. Michael Clayton
3. Gone Baby Gone
2. Zodiac
1. No Country For Old Men

I really liked Dedication the first time I saw it, but the second time through I couldn't help but notice how cliche and vapid it was. I call this phenomena "The Garden State Effect."

The absence of such critically-praised films as Atonement, Into The Wild and Sweeny Todd are not a result of my not having seen them, but by my not really liking them.


Best DVD of 2007: Knocked Up (2-Disc Collector's Edition)
The special features are even better than the movie. From the 45-minute long documentary showing the original actors hired to play Seth Rogan's role (Justin Long and James Franco are particularly good) to the hilarious 5 minute featurette detailing how the studio hired Capote director Bennett Miller to hang out on set and second-guess all of Judd Apatow's directing decisions, this is a great amusement value for your home video dollar.

I'm worried

I watch The Daily Show every night before going to bed. When the writers strike began, I was crushed. How would I get my nightly news? By watching a serious, non-satirical news program? I don't think so. So for the months of November and December, I knew nothing of the world around me. But in mid-January, The Daily Show began airing again. And much like other nighttime comedy shows that also returned to air, it was without the participation of writers. Jon Stewart had to perform script-less. And he nailed it. Sure, he occasionally filled empty seconds by drawing out a joke well past the point of being funny, but overall it seemed to be of the same pre-strike quality.

And now that the strike has ended and the writers have returned...it's not as good. That's right, with a full writing staff back at work, The Daily Show is less entertaining than when it was working without a safety net. I still watch it every night, but the jokes have gotten lamer, the delivery is stiff, and the whole thing feels like no one is trying. Has the strike drained the writers of their wit? Has picketing during the winter frozen their talent? Are the rest of my favorite shows going to return to the air with half-assed scripts? I'm worried that television's creative spirit has been broken.

Day of the Dead

Remember back in 2004, when the remake of Dawn of the Dead was released? Horror fans, especially myself, were terrified that a movie we loved was getting remade and thus ruined forever. As it turns out, the remake wasn't too bad. The film had been given to a good director who knew how to pick up the slack visually when the movie's story began to sag (around minute 4). The result was not a classic, but was better than anyone had anticipated.

Now, 4 years later, the remake of Day of the Dead is being released. And I am here to say that this movie is exactly what we had all feared in 2004.

First, let me clarify something. Day of the Dead (2008) is not a sequel 2004's Dawn of the Dead (Ving Rhames does show up again, but as a different character). It is simply a remake of Romero's original Day of the Dead. Got that? Because I don't ever want anyone thinking this has anything to do with any of the prior films. This is a cheap, cash-in remake with absolutely no effort put forth.

Nothing connects this film with the original Day except that the main characters are soldiers. In fact, more than half of the movie takes place on a fully-manned military base, above ground. Ving Rhames' role is nothing more than an extended cameo as the leads' superior officer. And who are the leads? None other than the versatile method actors Nick Cannon and Mena Suvari. Hang on, let me type something again, for emphasis: NICK CANNON. Trust me, having seen the film, the casting makes just as little sense now as it did when I first learned about it.

And the plot? Something goes wrong with something, zombies are unleashed, and people run from the zombies. Same plot as every other zombie movie. But with Nick Cannon.

I see no reason why this isn't called House of the Dead 3. It's pointless, poorly made, poorly acted (Cannon is especially horrendous, like the poor man's Chris Tucker[yes, I said it]), and poorly everything-ed. It is so bad that even though it was intended for a theatrical release, and there's currently a writer's strike, it's still going direct-to-DVD.

Top 5 Amendment

I just finished watching another 2007 film, and feel as though I should amend my Top 5 (which was really Top 6) list from last year. My new list is as folllows:

7. Wristcutters: A Love Story
6. Juno
5. Dedication
4. Rocket Science
3. Gone Baby Gone
2. Zodiac
1. No Country For Old Men

There's nothing blazingly original about the story in Dedication, but all the actors play it so well that it feels new anyway. It's truly sad that Mandy Moore's best films are always the overlooked ones. She could be an A-list lead, but always winds up in crap. Billy Crudup is also still waiting for the mainstream attention that his talant so richly deserves. And while Tom Wilkenson was fantastic in Michael Clayton, his Oscar nomination should have come from this movie, instead.

2007, Top 5

After playing catch-up on some of last year's most acclaimed films, I'm finally ready to weigh-in with my picks.

5. Juno
As with every other reviewer, I was completely charmed by this Sundance wonder. Sure, the dialog is suspiciously hip at times and the love subplot with Michael Cera feels a little light. But with rich, lovable characters rendered perfectly by the entire cast, it's hard to fault the small stuff. Ellen Page absolutely deserves her Oscar nomination. Allison Janney and Jennifer Garner were robbed.

4. Rocket Science
I'm psychic. Don't believe me? Here, I'll show you: right now, you're thinking "He's not psychic, and what the hell is Rocket Science?" Ha! Doubt my powers now!

Rocket Science was another festival favorite, lost in the wake left behind by Juno. While Juno is a delightful movie, Rocket Science felt more honest, and had a greater impact on me. The film concerns young Hal Hefner, a bright, shy high school student with a stuttering problem. One day a gorgeous, ambitious, and fiercely intelligent girl sits down next to him on the school bus, and in a few brilliant sentences, convinces him to join the debate team. It is obvious, to everyone, that she probably has some ulterior motive, but Hal follows her lead anyway. The movie has all the typical staples of a suburban indie comedy: quirky neighbors, dysfunctional family, "wacky" situations. But it also has a lot of realistically felt pain, the kind that can either make or break a person in their developing years. And while the ending starts to look like it's heading towards that same "everyone is happy in the end" destination where Juno landed, it makes a sharp turn back into reality. And that actually makes me happier.

3. Gone Baby Gone
Great performances, great direction and a great story. The only thing holding this film back is Michelle Monaghan's character. She was unnecessary, distracting, and her only purpose in this movie is to set up the film's ending. The rest of the movie is so great that this element just stood out like a sore thumb. Aside from her, the rest of the top-notch cast are in splendid form, especially the lesser known Amy Ryan and Titus Welliver.

2. Zodiac
A police procedural of the highest order. David Fincher's direction and meticulous attention to detail make the whole movie feel authentic, as though the audience were part of the investigation. This is not a movie about the characters, but about the process. We see all the red tape, dead ends and collateral damage involved in a high-profile murder case. Some complained about the pacing, but I have no problems with it. It slows down as the case slows down, and picks up when new details arrive. The whole movie feels real.

1. No Country For Old Men
By this point, there's nothing I can say about this that hasn't been said to death already. It absolutely deserves every awards it's been nominated for, and a lot more.



Honerable Mentions:

Wristcutters: A Love Story
If my list went higher, this would have been my #6. It's the first truly unique take on a romantic comedy I've seen since My Date With Drew. Patrick Fugit commits suicide, and finds himself in an afterlife that is just like this world...only a little worse. The sun never quite makes it all the way out from behind the clouds, grocery shelves are always half-stocked, and no one can smile. After running into an old friend, Fugit discovers that shortly after his own suicide, his girlfriend killed herself. Along with a strange Russian he meets in a bar, Fugit sets off on a road trip to locate his girlfriend. Along the way, they pick up a hitchhiking Shannyn Sossamon, who is on her own quest to find "the people in charge." She accidentally overdosed, and doesn't believe she's been sent to the correct afterlife.

The love story is sweet, and reminds us how great Shannyn Sossamon can be when she's not slumming in J-grade horror schlock. The small details of the strange suicide purgatory are often hilarious (if you drop something under the passenger seat of a car, it falls into a black hole and is lost forever), and sometimes touching and sad (a reveling sequence involving gas station property damage forms). Tom Waits and Will Arnette make appearances, though Arnette once again just plays himself. Though the personal emptiness and depression that fill this world don't seem right for a romantic comedy, the mood is always kept light, and the story moves a long at an enjoyable pace.

Grindhouse
Just for showing us what happens when 2 extremely talented directors are given a pile of money and no limits. Excess does not equal quality, but it can sure come close when in the right hands.

Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem
For confirming that excess does not equal quality, especially when in the absolute wrong hands.

Trailer Time: George A. Romero's Diary of the Dead

I just finished watching the new trailer for Diary of the Dead, and my first impression is that Romero has bad timing. You see, Diary of the Dead appears to be identical to the much-anticipated Cloverfield, but with zombies instead of a Godzilla-esque monster. Diary may well turn out to be a great Romero film, but it's destined to be labeled as a Cloverfield ripoff, or at least a cash-in on Cloverfield's inevitable success at the box office. Poor Romero, it never seems to all come together for him these days.

The movie itself looks just fine. It's a first-person, ground-level video document of a zombie outbreak. There is screaming, zombies, blood, and a whole lotta shaky-cam. I'll see it because I love zombies, and no one does zombies better than Romero. But if I've already seen Cloverfield by that time, it will hard to suppress the feeling that I've seen this all before. And that's too bad.