But past a certain line, I cease to be amused. Some movies are just too worthless and inconsequential to spare the precious breath necessary to even describe their plot, let alone waste brainpower in given them original critiques. I reserve my highest level of criticism for these films, a simple phrase that sums up my feelings perfectly: I walked out.
I am a man who has witnessed every last second of Big Daddy. I bore witness to Crossroads. Somehow I have even managed to survive every theatrical release by Michael Bay and Uwe Boll. Two days ago I even watched Metro for some reason. I own Silent Hill. Clearly I do not consider my time to be worth very much. So when I voluntarily choose to walked out on a film, that is saying a lot.
I should take a moment to differentiate between the act of walking out on a film and the act of stopping a film prematurely. In the modern age of DVD rental services and easily-downloaded film content, it has become commonplace to stop watching a movie if it gets to be too boring or is of poor quality. It is also fairly common to skip through lesser parts of the film, so that the experience is more akin to watching a highlight reel of the movie rather than the movie itself. I am absolutely guilty of these behaviors, which is why I am able to watch so many horrible straight-to-DVD atrocities. Walking out on a film is a purely theatrical experience, so the home video market is automatically excluded. After all, those movies came to me.
When I say that I walked out on a movie, I am meaning: that I left my home; drove my car to the theater regardless of weather conditions; possibly spent money on either admission or snacks (and I say "possibly" because I worked in a theater for many years and thus got everything for free, though money would have made no difference); found a seat; endured the presence of others; allowed my senses to be assaulted by giant images and loud noises; decided that I am willing to write off the whole thing (travel, food, etc) as a loss so I can end the experience as quickly as possible; get back in my car; drive back home; and weep. Or to put it another way: I would rather be tired, depressed and missing 90 minutes of my life than watch the last act of Brokedown Palace.
It is my ultimate insult to a movie. And to the best of my recollection, these are the only films I have ever bestowed such hatred upon:
- Brokedown Palace
- Dick
- Shanghai Knights
- Mortal Kombat: Annihilation
- Sorority Boys
- Jawbreaker (which I acknowledge as the worse film I have ever seen, and I only saw 35 minutes of it)
1 comment:
I probably would have walked out of Shanghai Knights but I watched it with my friend Mary and she sat pointing out every historical inaccuracy in the film (there were a lot) and so it was actually entertaining to me.
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