2010 Music Roundup

After spending roughly 10 hours on a bus last weekend listening to music, I've decided to do a music list instead of the usual movie stuff.  That's all the introduction I'm giving.

My Favorite Songs of 2010

20.  Goldfrapp, "Rocket"
A catchy 80's song that just happened to be released 30 years too late.

19.  MC Chris, "IG-88's '57 Chevy"
A spiritual successor to Chris' most popular song to date ("Fette's Vette," which has shown up many times on TV and in movies), "IG-88" continues his trend of making catchy songs about Star Wars bounty hunters and their respective modes of personal transportation. 

18.  The Pipettes, "Call Me"
After swapping out 3 of the original 4 members of the band after their 60's-influenced debut album, the new Pipettes lineup is still just as retro-pop infectious as the old one.

17.  The Pretty Reckless, "Just Tonight"
A shameless rock ballad from Gossip Girl actress Taylor Momsen's band is better than it has any right to be.  I actually feel kinda bad for liking this.

16.  Robyn, "Dancing On My Own"
In a perfect world, Robyn would be outselling Ke$ha and Katy Perry by leaps and bounds.  I just don't understand other people.

Well, maybe I do kinda understand.

15.  OK Go, "This Too Shall Pass"
The video for this song garnered a lot of (well deserved) attention, but no one was ever really listening to the actual music.  It's a good song that was overshadowed by its amazing video.

14.  8mm, "Los Angeles"
I heart 8mm.  I heart them so much.

13.  Metric, "Eclipse (All Yours)"
Hidden in the giant bucket of cinematic puke that was the 3rd Twilight movie was a surprisingly decent soundtrack, including the perpetually-awesome Metric doing the movie's title track.

12.  Brandon Flowers, "Only The Young"
It's a good The Killers song, but without the rest of The Killers.

11.  The Birthday Massacre, "Shallow Grave"
Even though I should have grown out of it by now, I still have a soft spot for catchy Goth pop.

10.  Robyn, "Cry When You Get Older"
Robyn rules.  End of discussion.

9.  The Pretty Reckless, "Since You're Gone"
Again, this band shouldn't be as good as it is, but Momsen really knows how to conjure up some good old fashion white trash rock.

8.  Duffy, "Well, Well, Well"
Her sophomore album was a giant letdown, but a few good tracks still snuck through.  This was the best of them.

7.  Jimmy Eat World, "My Best Theory"
When it comes to well-written pop-rock,  Jimmy eats World still stands supreme.

6.  How To Destroy Angels, "The Space In Between"
Trent Reznor's post-NIN project with Atticus Ross (who also co-created the kick-ass original score for The Social Network) and Mrs. Reznor didn't live up to expectations.  In fact, it kinda sucked.  But at least the lead track was still really good.  And bonus points for a cool music video.

OK Trent, we get it, you have a hot wife. Will you please bring back NIN now?

5.  Hooverphonic, "The Night Before"
Their first single after splitting with their longtime singer Geike Arnaert in 2008.  New vocalist Noémie Wolfs (the band's 4th) fills Arnaert's shoes nicely.

4.  Shiny Toy Guns, "Major Tom"
I was hesitant to include a cover song, but they just do such a good job with Peter Schilling's 80's hit that I couldn't help myself.  This showed up in a bunch of commercials for Lincoln, who sponsored the song's "official" live music video.

3.  Killola, "Cracks In The Armor"
Killola is the balls.

2.  8mm, "Deep Blue You"
 They are just so damn good.  Plus I'm a sucker for foxy singers with sultry voices.

But really, who isn't?

1.  Metric, "Black Sheep"
Metric was all about dominating soundtracks this year.  This one comes from Scott Pilgrim vs. The World.  And it kicks all of the ass.  All of it.  (In the film, a slightly reworked version of the song is performed with vocals rerecorded by actress Brie Larson.  Larson's not bad, but she's no Emily Haines.)

Honorable Mention:

Hey Riki, you're so fine.

Riki Lindhome, "Places to Rest"
The blond half of musical comedy duo Garfunkel and Oates, Lindhome generally gets overshadowed by the 1000-watt adorableness of her partner Kate Micucci.  But in reality Lindhome has the better voice.  And she's cuter.  Her solo work is some low-key greatness, like this simple-but-sad little number.

Did I say 1000-watt?  I meant 1000000000000-watt.

Intermission: Freestylin'

My reactions to the various movies I have watched recently.

The Other Guys
"I'm laughing at a recent Will Ferrel comedy, and I'm not actively hating Mark Wahlberg's comedic acting. I find both of these developments surprising."

Restrepo
"I can totally see why everyone else was impressed by it, but I really wish I hadn't been told so many times how good it was. It didn't live up to my hopes. I blame people, not the movie."

Centurion
"Neil Marshall really knows how to keep my eyes entertained while he absolutely wastes my brain's time."

The Siege
"This movie was really damn prescient, almost scarily so. Also it's preachy as all Hell and kinda sucks."

John Carpenter's Ghosts of Mars
"I love everything about this movie except for everything about it."

Best Worst Movie
"That was sorta okay, I guess. Must have been a really slow year for documentaries if critics were giving positive reviews for nostalgic trifle like this."

Monster in the Closet
Before: "Troma's one attempt to make a real movie? This should be interesting."
After: "I probably should have known that Troma's definition of 'real' would differ from mine."

TRON: Legacy
"Wait, was this directed by Neil Marshall?"

Other notes:

• I also saw Unstoppable, but that will get its own Tony Scott-related entry.
• Whatever happened to Natasha Henstridge? I tried to do an IMDB search for her, but the next thing I remember is waking up in a dumpster behind Campbell's Nutrition crying, eating day-old organic yogurt and mumbling something to myself about The Whole Ten Yards.
• While Tron: Legacy failed to be awesome, I really loved the look, music, and effective use of 3D. And I've been thinking about Olivia Wilde nonstop for 2 weeks now.

Petite, short hair, prone to violence. We totally could have dated.

My Descent Into Madness: True Romance (1993)

  For the second film in a row, Tony Scott gets overshadowed by his screenwriter.  Though in fairness to Scott, it’s hard for anyone to not be overshadowed when the screenwriter is Quentin Tarantino (Oliver Stone managed to do it with Natural Born Killers, but that’s largely because no one but Oliver Stone wanted to be associated with the final product).  The film is stuffed with “cool” dialogue, pop culture references and plenty of violence, just like everything Tarantino has ever written.  The babes are hot, the cars are classics, and the guns are plentiful.  And every last second of it works. 

  True Romance is generally considered by critics to be Tony Scott’s best film.  And rightfully so, as it is one of those rare instances where everything just falls together.  Scott’s direction has the flash to match Tarantino’s script, and the cast is overloaded with talent.  Christian Slater and Patricia Arquette (who seems out to prove that she’s hotter than her sister)

Suck it, Rosanna!

do good work serving as our guides through a plot that allows characters to enter the film, rock one or two great scenes, then exit to make way for the next actor in line.  It’s hard to pick out any individual scene as the film’s highlight, though if a vote were taken it would likely be the onscreen pairing of Dennis Hopper and Christopher Walken, who share a tense interrogation scene in a dimly lit mobile home (with rays of light shining in through the windows, in case you forgot who was directing).  But on that same level of quality are scenes with Gary Oldman as a very intimidating drug dealer and pimp,

"I carried this watch...wait, which
Tarantino film is this one again?"

Brad Pitt as the greatest stoner ever put on film, James Gandolfini as a henchman who is not at all afraid to hit a woman, and a massive climactic shootout that Scott would later repeat in several of his films (and which Tarantino himself had already used in Reservoir Dogs).  And that’s just scraping the surface.  Samuel L. Jackson, Bronson Pinchot, Saul Rubinek, Michael Rapaport, Chris Penn and Tom Sizemore are there, too, along with a host of great character actors including Kevin Corrigan, Ed Lauter, and Paul Ben-Victor (aka Spiros 'Vondas' Vondopoulos, and if you don’t know what that name means then you are missing out).  Also Val Kilmer plays the ghost of Elvis Presley.  Go ahead, reread that last line.


Trivia & Whatnot:

• True Romance and Natural Born Killers were originally a single massive screenplay by Tarantino and Roger Avary (who also co-wrote Pulp Fiction together).
• Tarantino based Saul Rubinek’s movie mogul character on Oliver Stone, whom Tarantino had a grudge against after developing Natural Born Killers.  Likewise, when it came time to film, Tony Scott had Rubinek portray the character as a caricature of producer Joel Silver, whom Scott had a grudge against after working together on The Last Boy Scout.
• Jack Black appears in a deleted scene, because the cast clearly needed more people.

My Descent Into Madness: The Last Boy Scout (1991)

  Tony Scott is listed as director of The Last Boy Scout, but it is clearly a Shane Black film.  Scott manages to sneak in a few of his signature shots (that man is in love with dark rooms being pierced by small rays of sunlight), but every action scene, character name and line of dialogue has Black’s name prominently stamped on it.
  Black can be a divisive figure among critics and film fans.  He wrote one of the most over-the-top action hits of the 80’s (Lethal Weapon), and one of the biggest flops of the 90’s (Last Action Hero).  His salary for The Last Boy Scout ($1.75 million) was the highest ever paid to a screenwriter at the time, a feat which he later topped with his salary for The Long Kiss Goodnight ($4 million).  He and fellow screenwriter Joe Eszterhas earned a reputation for churning out commercial blockbuster scripts for increasingly large sums (Eszterhas eventually tied Black’s $4 million record with his screenplay for One Night Stand), with decreasing box office returns.  Then, after a major critical backlash in the mid-90’s, they both stopped writing.  The Long Kiss Goodnight was written in 1995 (released in ‘96), and Black wouldn’t have another writing credit for a decade.
  But Shane Black made big money for a reason:  he’s good at what he does.  Joe Eszterhas made his reputation by writing mediocre thrillers that featured lots of sex, and owes most of his fame to the outsized direction of Paul Verhoeven (who helmed Basic Instinct and Showgirls).  When other directors tried their hand at Eszterhas’ scripts, the results were less impressive (seriously, read the IMDB credits for Jade and count how many careers went down in flames because of that film).  Black made his millions by writing inventive, witty, and admittedly ridiculous action-packed films that were always entertaining, even when they bombed at the box office.  Last Action Hero and The Long Kiss Goodnight both sank in theaters, but are highly entertaining and clever movies (the latter containing arguably the best series of one-liners Samuel L. Jackson has ever had).  Last Action Hero was stuck going up against Jurassic Park, which briefly set the U.S. record for highest grossing film of all time.  The Long Kiss Goodnight suffered from a lot of last minute marketing changes after director Renny Harlin’s prior would-be blockbuster Cutthroat Island became one of the decade’s biggest bombs, severely damaging the marketability of Harlin and star Geena Davis. Black was an unfortunate victim of circumstances beyond his control. He was turning in surefire hits, and the forces of fate were burying them. Even the likes of Joel Silver couldn't make things work out right for Black, and he's the guy who was able to turn a profit on The Matrix: Revolutions for Christ's sake.

  Which, at last, brings us back to The Last Boy Scout, the Silver-produced, Scott-helmed, and Black-written blockbuster-that-wasn't.  Bruce Willis plays a trenchcoat-wearing grizzled detective (it’s cliché now, but this was the first time Willis had done this kind of role), Damon Wayans is a disgraced ex-football player, and future Oscar winner and Adrien Brody’s tongue recipient Halle Berry is one of those movie strippers who always has clothes on.

Maybe if you actually took your clothes off,
your customers wouldn't get this angry.

The overly-complicated plot involves corruption in the NFL, Willis taking a private detective job offered by his best friend, the best friend dying, Willis finding out his wife was having an affair with the best friend, Wayans getting ahold of information that would expose the football corruption, Willis having a personal history with one of the politicians who may be involved in the corruption, Willis having to guard Berry, Wayans also guarding Berry, both of them failing to guard Berry, Berry dying because she knows too much, Wills and Wayans making things personal, Willis and Wayans arguing because Wayans takes drugs, Willis’ hilariously foul-mouthed daughter (played by horror movie staple Danielle Harris) getting kidnapped,

In 16 years I'm going to be
topless and covered in blood. Fucker.

a henchman being shot in the face with a stuffed rabbit, shotgun shells called “shredders” that explode like grenades, a climax in a sports stadium, a suitcase full of explosives, and an intimidating-yet-effeminate hitman named Milo.  But all of that is just the framework on which to hang Black’s wonderful dialogue.

  Black’s biggest strength as a dialogue writer is his self-awareness.  His characters are always acknowledging the plot inconsistencies, genre clichés, and overall infeasibility of of the master plot.  A few samples from this film:

• “This is the '90s. You can't just walk up and slap a guy, you have to say something cool first. “
• “You're trying the save the life of the man who ruined your career, and avenge the death of the guy that fucked your wife.”
• “Excuse me, but did any of you stupid shits bother to frisk this fuck?”

  Willis and Wayans spend 1% of their time advancing the plot, and the rest trading increasingly sarcastic one-liners, all of which are worth the price of admission (though if you look in the right bargain bin, you can easily own the DVD for less than the price of movie admission).  Sure, Tony Scott adds a little punch to a few scenes (most notably the amazing opening scene during a football game where the star running back pulls out a gun and starts shooting the oncoming defensive players), but as I said before, the film belongs to Shane Black.

  Why this movie failed is beyond my comprehension. This movie provides everything that the Lethal Weapon movies have, yet audiences just shrugged at The Last Boy Scout and helped the truly reprehensible (and not scripted by Black) Lethal Weapon 3 break the $100 mark. I just don't understand people anymore.

Trivia & Notes

• Modern records for highest screenplay salary have become muddled, since writer/directors like Quentin Tarantino and M. Night Shyamalan lump their various fees into one giant figure.  A recent example is James L. Brooks, who was reportedly paid $10 million to write, direct and produce How Do You Know.
• Danielle Harris has as many roles in the Halloween franchise as Jamie Lee Curtis (4).
• This was the first time in Hollywood history that a screenwriter made more than $1 million.
• In a "New Yorker" profile, Joel Silver said that the making of this film was "one of the three worst experiences of my life." 
• Likewise, composer Michael Kamen claims he hated the film, and only did the music because his was personal friends with Silver and Willis.

My Descent Into Madness: Intermission #2

At this point I've watched the next 3 entries in this series and have been mulling them over in my head for a while now, but I'm essentially drowning at work.  Thus, I've been putting off writing until things settle down a bit and I'm not so stressed.  In the meantime, I have a viewing recommendation for you.

If you have a Netflix subscription (and at this point, everyone really should), check out the film Champion, which is available now for instant viewing.  It's a 2005 documentary about badass character actor Danny Trejo, who finally gets his first mainstream lead role in Machete (which comes out tomorrow, so the timing of this is pretty convenient).  Champion is mostly about Trejo's youth, which was spent in and out of correctional facilities as Trejo leads a life of addiction and armed robbery.  The documentary, in technical terms, is nothing special.  In fact, it's kinda sloppily put together from several different interviews.  But Trejo's stories are so good that they rise well above the movie's sloppy craftsmanship.  So check it out if you have some spare time.

My Descent Into Madness: Days of Thunder (1990)

(Author's note: I ran into some technical issues while trying to watch this movie.  Rather than cause yet another delay between reviews, I decided to just write this review from memory, since I have seen this film on multiple occasions prior to beginning my Tony Scott quest.)


Days of Thunder focuses on the relationship between Cole Trickle (Will Ferrell) and his coach Robert Duvall (Robert Duvall).  Trickle is a hotshot new stock car driver, and Duvall is the salty old retired mechanic brought back into the sport to build a new car and train Trickle how to use it.  Helping Trickle grow into a real driver are fellow driver and occasional arch rival Cal Naughton Jr. (John C. Reilly) and Duvall's lead mechanic Buck Bretherton (also John C. Reilly).  At one point Trickle and Naughton get in a nasty accident, which prematurely retires Naughton and causes Trickle to become scared of driving. 

"...and The Beast shall drink of the child's
blood until His thirst has been quenched."

  Luckily Trickle's doctor is Nicole Kidman back when Nicole Kidman was amazingly hot and didn't look like a botoxed skeleton warrior from Hell's 6th parallel, and she uses a very "hands-on" approach to medicine, if you get my meaning (to be clear, she has vigorous sex with him many times, is my meaning). So that gives him confidence, which he is going to need, because his temporary replacement driver Russ Wheeler (Sasha Baron Elwes) has stolen Trickle's thunder (which he only has days of, because if he had several weeks' worth I don't think this would really be an issue).  Trickle must beat Wheeler in a race to reclaim that thunder.  Which he does.  So, the end, I guess.

Oh, and at one point, you can almost see Nicole Kidman's boobs.

Trivia:

• Robin Wright-Penn, Sarah Jessica Parker, Molly Ringwald, Meg Ryan, Kelly McGillis, Brooke Shields, Michelle Pfeiffer, Sharon Stone, Kim Basinger, Jodie Foster, Madonna and Ally Sheedy all turned down the doctor role.  Which is a good thing, because this is the movie that led to Kidman and Ferrell getting married, despite Ferrell being so short and Kidman so tall.

My Descent Into Madness: Revenge (1990)

  Revenge has left me so conflicted.  On the one hand, it's a by-the-numbers film for 95% of its runtime.  A hot shot fighter pilot (Kevin Costner) leaves the Air Force to go hang out with his old friend, who also happens to be a Spanish crime lord (Anthony Quinn) in Mexico.  Quinn has recently acquired a young trophy wife (Madeline Stowe), who immediately catches Costner's eye.  Soon Costner and Stowe run away together to live out their life in a rustic cabin.  Quinn, naturally displeased by this, shows up with his enforcers and does all manner of terrible things to them.  Costner is left for dead, and Stowe is disfigured and forced into employment at a brothel.  Costner recovers, swears revenge, and goes looking to save Stowe.
  It's not an unfamiliar story arc in American cinema.  So right out of the gate, the movie doesn't have originality going for it.  While she may be a beautiful and talented actress, but Stowe is hugely miscast here.  Her Spanish accent is atrocious (think Nicole Kidman in Far & Away or Julia Roberts in Mary Reilly, it's that level of bad).  Just thinking back to it is making me angry.  Costner, as always, plays the role as Kevin Costner, but this time with a small scar above his eye.  Tony Scott's direction is pretty straightforward, like he didn't care enough to give anything any style.

"My accent is so bad it is causing this movie's aspect ratio to warp."

  Fortunately the movie is populated by a lot of dependable character actors in minor roles, which keeps things from becoming too much of a bore.  The recently-deceased and always-entertaining James Gammon shows up to help Costner get back on his feet.  Then cool-as-ice Miguel Ferrer and an impossibly young and nearly silent John Leguizamo help Costner form and execute his revenge plot.  And Sally Kirkland also shows up, to show off some cleavage and enable 2 very small plot points, which would normally seem extraneous if Kirkland wasn't so good in her small role.  And then there's the great Anthony Quinn, bringing warmth and dignity to a character that most would have played as stone cold evil.  Quinn's crime lord may be slightly misogynistic, but he genuinely loves his wife.  And while he abuses his pets and verbally abuses his underlings, he also has real affection for longtime friend Costner.  He is the most interesting role in the film, and he's barely on screen after the movie's first act.  And it is his role that sets up my quandry with the movie.

FYI, there will be MAJOR SPOILERS now, since I need to discuss the ending.  Not that I actually imagine any of you will be inspired to go watch Revenge after this anyway, but I feel like playing fair.

  I said the film was 95% uninspired.  That's because the final 5% is amazing.  For its entire length, the film has a very clear plot course.  And then the big confrontation comes between Costner and Quinn, and it plays out in the last way expected.  Costner is pointing a shotgun at Quinn, and Quinn knows that he is going to die.  He has a look of acceptance, but makes a single request: that Costner apologize to him for stealing his wife.  Quinn loved Stowe, and he loved Costner as a friend.  While he was bad man to others, he treated both of them with caring and compassion, until they both unprovokingly betrayed him.  Quinn may have grossly overreacted, but it was Costner and Stowe who were guilty of the first transgression.  And now, for the first time in the film, Costner makes that realization.  He lowers his gun, apologizes, and lets Quinn go.  Quinn tells Costner where he can find Stowe, and he arrives just in time to hold Stowe as she dies from the repeated physical and chemical abuse she suffered in the brothel.  Holy.  Shit.




  The Costner/Quinn scene is played mostly through looks, with very little dialogue.  Costner catches a lot of flak as an actor (including from me, in this very review), but here he is incredible as you watch him make the realization that he is the guilty one, and he is so taken aback by it that he can barely stammer out his apology.  Quinn, always a master, wears the look of a father who has been stabbed by his own son.  Though the film is ostensibly about Costner and Stowe's love, the Coster/Quinn relationship is the one that actually has some heart to it.  Their final scene together seems more tragic than Stowe's subsequent death, partly because Stowe is truly awful in this role, but mostly because their close friendship was so well established in the early going, and we now fully realize how much these friends have hurt one another.  It may not be worth sitting through the previous 100 mediocre minutes, but that scene by itself is heartbreaking.

Trivia:

• Costner wanted this to be his directing debut, but a producer talked him out of it.
• Sydney Pollack, Johnathan Demme and Walter Hill were all attached to direct this at one point.  The movie was nearly made by John Huston in 1987 (and would have ended up being his final directing credit), but Huston did not want Costner in the role, so he left the project (apparently Costner was somehow contractually attached, because I can't otherwise imagine John Huston not getting his way).
• During production, John Leguizamo vomited on Tony Scott at a party.

My Descent Into Madness: Beverly Hills Cop II (1987)

  So, after firing him 3 times during the filming of their last movie, the producer super-duo of Don “I’ve done more coke and hookers than there actually exists coke and hookers” Simpson and Jerry “I know I’m not the director, but I think this scene could really use some more slow motion, patriotic symbolism, and fire” Bruckheimer decided that Tony “I am too as good as my brother, just look how many cuts I have in this scene” Scott would be the perfect choice to helm their next major blockbuster.
  The plot, such as it is, predictably exists to provide but a loose framework on which to hang scenes allowing Eddie Murphy to improvise comedic banter with Judge Reinhold and John Ashton.  Ronny Cox gets shot (because he was getting too close to the truth!), so Axel Foley travels, once again, from Detroit to L.A. so he can solve the crime.  The criminals (led by Jurgen Prochnow, Brigitte Nielson and Dean Stockwell), are ridiculously sloppy and leave behind enough clues (like not wearing a mask when you shoot a police officer, despite being an easily identifiable person like Nielson) that any real-life patrol officer could have solved, let alone a professional homicide or robbery detective.  Foley follows the obvious clues, gets the bad guy, the end.
  Scott’s direction of the action scenes is the only noteworthy thing about the movie.  The heist sequences, in particular, are expertly shot and edited to create a surprising amount of tension in what is otherwise a comedy.  Beyond those few minutes, however, there is little that is noteworthy about the film.

And now,Trivia:

• Tony Scott and Brigitte Nielson, both married, began an affair during production that ultimately led to both their divorces, Nielson’s being her well-publicized divorce from Sylvester Stallone.
• Before deciding on a normal sequel, Simpson & Bruckheimer first tried spinning Beverly Hills Cop into a TV series.
• Not directly related but still interesting: Brigitte Nielson is one of the 2 tallest living women who have had a lead role in an American theatrical release (Red Sonya).  The other is Mariel Hemingway (Star 80).  Both are 6’1” tall.

My Descent Into Madness: Intermission

My review of Beverly Hills Cop 2 is forthcoming, but due to several work, weather and Netflix-related events it may be another week before I can watch Revenge.  But after that it should be back to smooth sailing until I get to Domino, at which point I'll be entirely reliant on Netflix sending me physical discs for each movie, which will mean a few days between reviews.  I'm determined to see this one through until the end.  In fact, from here on out I might turn the site into a way to pose cinematic challenges to myself.  Because the more I think about it, I really do kinda want to do this same challenge with Ridley Scott, as well.  And Michael Bay.  And, God help my tormented soul, Uwe Boll.

My Descent Into Madness: Top Gun (1986)

  People love this movie, and that saddens me.  As a piece of pure, empty-headed popcorn fluff, I suppose it's an entertaining movie.  But as The Rotten Tomatoes Show recently pointed out, Top Gun essentially serves as a metaphor for the United States' arrogant approach to foreign policy.  Though in fairness, it did lead to one of the best games ever for the original Nintendo.
  I imagine anyone reading this has probably seen this movie, or at least knows the basic plot from overhearing everyone else they know talking about the movie at some point.  But just in case, here's the basic rundown:  subtly-named egotistical hotshot pilot Maverick (Tom Cruise) flies the way he wants to fly, loves the way he wants to love, and plays by nobody's rules but his own.  He has a brief psychological setback, then discovers that he is the only one who can save the day, which is does by flying the way he wants to fly.  He is then disproportionately rewarded.  The.  Fucking.  End.
  The movie's thesis is that the Hero is the guy who doesn't listen to reason, puts himself and others in constant danger, sleeps with his teacher, and pulls in-air pranks that are essentially acts of war.  USA!  USA!  USA!
  So, story-wise, Top Gun is appalling.  But these entries are about Tony Scott, and his direction here is fine.  This is easily the most visually-restrained Tony Scott film.  Very few of his personal flourishes are present.  Sure, it's a big action-packed Hollywood blockbuster with fast-paced editing and 80's rock music, but it all looks thoroughly by-the-numbers.  Which is odd, because this is apparently the film where Scott officially went batshit insane.  Scott was fired 3 separate times during production, and at one point wrote a personal check for $25,000 to the commander of an aircraft carrier so that he would turn the carrier around so Scott could pick up a single shot.  This was only his second movie.

I don't have much else to say, so here's some random Top Gun trivia:

• The film's famous anthem by Kenny Loggins was first offered to both Toto and REO Speedwagon.  Imagine growing up in a world with the #1 hit single "Danger Zone," by Toto.
• Val Kilmer did not want to be in the film, but was contractually obligated to.
• Before casting Tom Cruise, the role of Maverick was officially offered to, and subsequently turned down by: Patrick Swayze, Emilio Estevez, Nicolas Cage, John Cusack, Matthew Broderick, Sean Penn, Michael J. Fox and Tom Hanks.
• Similarly, Kelly McGillis' role was turned down by Tatum O'Neal, Holly Hunter, Michelle Pfeiffer, Jennifer Grey, Jamie Lee Curtis, Ally Sheedy, Geena Davis, Jodie Foster, Daryl Hannah, Diane Lane, Sarah Jessica Parker, Linda Hamilton and Brooke Shields.
• Bryan Adams, Bruce Springsteen and Judas Priest all refused to allow their music to be used on the soundtrack because they thought the movie glorified war and would flop.
• John Carpenter and David Cronenberg turned down the offer to direct.  So, considering that Tony Scott's only movie prior to this one was The Hunger, the producers of Top Gun apparently really wanted a horror director to helm their mega-budget military action movie.  WTF?

My Descent Into Madness: The Hunger (1983)

  Apparently Tony Scott started out his career wanting to be David Lynch.  The Hunger is 15% plot development, 5% sex scenes, and 80% under-lit scenes of people staring pensively, jarringly intercut with scenes of monkeys screeching, curtains billowing, and a Bauhaus music video.
  The plot follows 2,000 year old vampire Miriam (Catherine Denueve) and her lover John (David Bowie).  Together they lure young couples back to their home and feast upon their blood (as vampires are wont to do).  But there is a slight catch to their would-be immortal love: while Miriam is indeed immortal, the people she turns to vampires only live a few hundred years before they suddenly and rapidly age into what are essentially mummies.  Bowie has begun to age, so they both seek out the help of Dr. Sarah Roberts (Susan Sarandon), who has been researching progeria and trying to develop a medical solution to rapid aging.  Bowie is interested in her research, while Denueve is interested in far more than that (leading to the film’s infamous lesbian sex scene, which more than lives up to its reputation for extreme hotness).
  This would have worked better as a tightly edited 30-minute episode of Tales From The Crypt, but even at only 93 minutes the film feels overlong.  A subplot involving a young girl getting music lessons could have been cut, along with the subsequent subplot of a police investigation by a young Dan Hedaya (based on that sentence, you can probably guess what happens to the girl).  Both subplots only exist so there can be a final payoff twist at the end that doesn’t actually have any effect on the main plot.
  It wasn’t a terrible movie, and it doesn’t play like a typical Tony Scott film.  He clearly hadn’t found his own style yet, though there are brief moments when he uses a certain lighting style that he will continue to use throughout the rest of his career.  But you’d have to watch a lot of Tony Scott films to really pick up on it (a fate I wouldn’t wish upon anyone but myself).  Overall this was a mediocre debut film that uses stunt casting (Bowie) and an appealing gimmick (hot lesbian sex) to launch the Hollywood career of acclaimed director Ridley Scott’s brother.

My Descent Into Madness: Introduction

So, with my proven track record of failing to follow through on anything I ever promise to do in a blog, here is my latest quest:  to watch, and document, every film that Tony Scott has ever directed, in chronological order.  Originally I was going to attempt the same thing, but with the films of Tony's brother Ridley.  However, that series of posts would have been too easy.  Every Ridley Scott film generates 1 of 3 responses from an audience:

1. "That was an amazing film!  So well directed!"
2. "That was okay, I guess.  And it was well directed."
3. "That really sucked.  But it was well directed."

That's Ridley's entire filmography in a nutshell.  No challenge there.  But Tony Scott?  That's a challenge.  And it is one that I feel I am well-suited to take on.  I grew up in the 80's and have that nostalgia for cheesy 80's machismo action movies, which makes me the target audience for Scott's early career.  I am also the target audience for his latter films, because I don't have epilepsy.

So, between my own movie library and Netflix's disc and streaming library, I have arranged the complete Tony Scott line-up:

• The Hunger (1983)
• Top Gun (1986)
• Beverly Hills Cop II (1987)
• Revenge (1990)
• Days of Thunder (1990)
• The Last Boy Scout (1991)
• True Romance (1993)
• Crimson Tide (1995)
• The Fan (1996)
• Enemy of the State (1998)
• Spy Game (2001)
• Man on Fire (2004)
• Domino (2005)
• Deja Vu (2006)
• The Taking of Pelham 123 (2009)

I also plan to watch the 2 episodes he directed for his erotic-horror anthology TV series, The Hunger, which was thematically based on his debut film and co-created by Ridley, and also the short film he made for BMW, Beat the Devil.  Lastly, if I am able to track down a copy, I will watch his 2004 short film Agent Orange.  I will not, however, watch the episode of Numb3rs he guest directed, because it does not stand on its own plot-wise, and TV guest directors rarely add any of their personal style to the episodes they direct, and instead fall in line with the show's established visual aesthetic.

Wish me luck.

Screw it, I must sing!

Someday within the next 5 years or so, I will finish out my would-be series of horror posts. But for now, I just feel like playing around on YouTube, so I present you with a Top 5 list that enables me to do so.

Top 5 "Singing Along to the Car Stereo" Movie Moments:

5. Tommy Boy and Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle

These scenes tie for 5th because they are funny for the exact same reason. Each begins with the characters pretending not to like cheesy pop music, and each ends with the characters sincerely singing along in unison with cheesy pop music. Comedy.






4. White Chicks

Didn't think White Chicks had any redeeming qualities, did you? Well now you know not to doubt the comedic prowess of Terry Crews. Not now, not ever.



3. Step Brothers

I don't know which is funnier, Adam Scott's sincerity or the wife's dead eyes.



2. Jerry Maguire

This scene is familiar rather than funny. Everyone has had one of those moments when you just want to sing out in triumph and celebration. And in the dark ages of the mid-90's, before the MP3 made it possible to carry your own personal soundtrack around with you, you had to hope that your local radio stations would cooperate.



1. Wayne's World

You know why. Everyone knows why. They made us watch this in our junior high music class, for God's sake. It's that ingrained in our social consciousness.

Kids, Always Wear Protection

Great, my fellow blogger Cinema Romantico (or you can call him Nick if you've worked with him, slept on his floor, vomited in his bathroom, featured him in your wedding, and had his father as a high school teacher) just gave me the Blogger equivalent of herpes. I've been "tagged" to answer some questions. Also, I haven't updated in over a year, and this is a good excuse for me to post some new content without having to come up with something original.

It should be noted, however, that I really do intend to finish out my horror movie round-up. One of these years, anyway. Plus, I may redesign the page. And organize. And change the content format. And appoint myself emperor of my street. And enslave all those who oppose me. But I will totally provide free nachos, so my legacy will probably be pretty good.

Anyway, the questions:

1. What was your first movie-going experience?
I have a very brief memory snippet from when I was three, sitting in the River Hills theater in Des Moines, Iowa, cowering in fear while Luke Skywalker fought the Rancor in Return of the Jedi. I can also remember seeing Jaws 3-D, psychologically unaffected. Both were in theaters at the same time, and I don't know which one happened first.

2. How many DVDs do you own?
I once had over 900, but after some spring cleaning I now have somewhere in the 400-range, along with around 50 Blu-rays. And I still have a little over 100 Laserdiscs in a box somewhere in my basement.

3. What is your guilty pleasure movie?
Tie. I've recently discovered that I actually like a Michael Bay movie. The Island is quite enjoyable, and Bay manages to control himself for half of the movie. And the much-maligned second half of the movie is still pretty good as long as you know the right chapters to skip over.

My second is Message in a Bottle. It's the usual Nicholas Sparks crap, but it has really good performances by Robin Wright Penn and Paul Newman. And the typical Sparks ending (building a character up and then killing them in a melodramatic way) goes way past audience manipulation and kinda heads towards sadism. I mean sweet Jesus, the ending can't stop twisting the knife. I was working at the theater when this movie was playing, and the audience would walk out of the auditorium mad at the movie. They acted like the movie had gone out of its way to hurt them. And it totally does, which is why I like it. It's like a horror movie where the audience is the victim.

4. You have compiled a list of your top 100 movies. Which movies didn’t make the cut?
2001: A Space Odyssey. I think maybe I have some kind of ocular condition, similar to color-blindness, that keeps me from seeing whatever the Hell it is about this movie that everyone else sees. It's a jumbled, poorly-scripted, poorly-acted and terribly paced piece of pretentious crap posing as intelligent science fiction. Then again, I did just go on record as saying I enjoyed The Island, so I have to concede that my sense of cinematic taste might be broken.

5. Which movie(s) do you compulsively watch over and over again?
Primer, because I'm still piecing it together. And Brick, for the sheer joy of the dialogue (see also: Lucky Number Slevin).

6. Classic(s) you’re embarrassed to admit you haven’t seen yet?
I haven't seen most classics, so my answer is "all of them."

7. What movie posters hang on your wall?
At the moment, none. But once I get to IKEA and buy some new frames, I plan to put up Dark City. I'll put others up, but I haven't decided which ones yet. Dark City just happens to have a really good looking poster, so I know it will go up. Some other titles up for consideration (and this is based on how good looking the poster is, not necessarily my undying love for these movies) are Contact, Strange Days, Panic Room, and The Fifth Element. And even though I really, really hated the movie, I'm tempted to put up my Matrix: Reloaded teaser poster because it is a giant close up of Monica Bellucci.

Sci-fi/Horror Round-Up, pt 2: Post-Witch

Our modern understanding of viral marketing exists largely because of two guys in 1999 who were trying to advertise their $100,000 horror movie on almost no budget. Thanks to their creative approaches to internet advertising, The Blair Witch Project went on to set the record (at the time) for highest-grossing independent film. Writer/Directors Eduardo Sanchez and Daniel Myrick were touted at the future of the horror genre, and had their pick of a multitude of high-budget studio projects. Instead they decided to produce a Blair Witch sequel that bombed, and spent years developing a comedy entitled Heart of Love that was eventually dropped by the studio before production could begin. What are they up to now? The same thing they started out doing: making independent sci-fi/horror movies.

The Objective
Daniel Myrick has directed a number of interesting genre movies in recent years, but The Objective stands apart from the rest. CIA operative Benjamin Keynes is given control over a small group of elite US soldiers in late-2001 Afghanistan. Officially, they have been tasked with seeking out a respected local religious leader and securing a statement of support for the US military's campaign against the Taliban. But Keynes seems to be seeking something else. He keeps taking measurements with some strange-looking equipment, and doesn't seem surprised when they cannot locate their target. They travel further into the desert, and strange things begin to happen. There's a firefight with a group of Taliban rebels, but no bodies or blood left over afterwards. They hear the sound and feel the wind of a helicopter directly overhead, but nothing is there. Their communications stop working. And then they start seeing strange lights.

The Objective is not interested in handing out easy explanations. We never get a real answer about what is happening, just some hints at what might be happening. And there's a lingering sense of danger and dread that plays over every scene. The Afghan desert is presented as an impossibly big, foreboding wasteland from which there is no easy escape or rescue. There is plenty of death, but none of it is predictable. The characters are not cardboard cutouts, and act like professionally-trained soldiers. There is order, even when it becomes clear that they may not make it out of the desert alive. The uniformly-good cast is mostly unknowns, with the only kinda-recognizable face being Blair Witch's Michael C. Williams as one of the soldiers.

But like so many genre movies, The Objective doesn't know how to end. The last five minutes are a disappointment, and throw an additional few confusing twists into a movie that already had a lot of unanswered questions. But up until then, it was a rich, engrossing sci-fi movie that benefits greatly from its setting and atmosphere.

[possibly NSFW language near the end of the trailer, so wear headphones if you have nosy co-workers]



Alien Raiders
Let's establish this right away: Alien Raiders is a terrible, terrible title. Alien Raiders is what you call a movie showing at 2 a.m. on the Sci-Fi (sorry, I mean SyFy) Channel starring David Keith. The working title for this movie was Supermarket, which is not a great title by any means, but at least makes more sense for this movie than Alien Raiders. Whoever chose the title Alien Raiders is an idiot, and unfairly cost this movie a lot of viewers that may have actually given some consideration to watching a movie called Supermarket. OK, I've said my peace.

The Daniel Myrick-produced Alien Raiders is a skillfully made sci-fi movie that manages to merge a dark hostage drama with John Carpenter's The Thing. As the movie opens, a van pulls up to a small town grocery store at night. A group of masked, armed men (and one woman, but her gender is not essential to the plot) enter the store and start shooting customers, seemingly indiscriminate in their bloodshed. But there is something else going on. The assailants are rounding people up, and having a bug-eyed junkie named Spooky stare them in the eyes. Spooky is somehow screening people for...something. He detects something in a crying middle-aged woman, declares "She's one," and the woman is promptly shot in the head. An off-duty cop incites a shoot-out, and Spooky is killed. The store is locked down, everyone that Spooky had cleared are allowed to exit, and everyone else is rounded up in the back. The police arrive outside, and a stand-off begins.

As the movie progresses, we start to understand what is happening. There is an "infection," and no one is allowed to leave until they've been cleared. With Spooky dead, the only easy way to detect an infected person is not going to be fun for those who are tested. The nature of this infection is hinted at, and revealed slowly throughout the film. There's some great storytelling tricks used here, with the police outside viewing some home video footage they've found in the van, juxtaposed with what the hostage takers are telling the surviving grocery employees and patrons. It becomes clear that the hostage takers believe they are doing good, but there's always the threat that they are willing to cause unnecessary deaths to achieve their goal.

This is not a movie about character, so not a lot of development goes into that area. There are a few familiar-looking faces in the cast (including 24's Carlos Bernard), and the actors do a good job of at least giving their characters each a distinctive "feel," since the story flies by too quickly to give them a "depth." The film moves briskly, and at 85 minutes does not overstay its welcome. It starts with an interesting idea, executes it, and ends. There's a last-minute twist that's predictable, but it doesn't detract too much from the overall enjoyment. Despite costing less than a million dollars to make, the film never looks cheap. It's a kinetic, thoroughly entertaining B-movie that is unjustly hampered by a terrible title.



Altered
I have praised Eduardo Sanchez's Altered before, so I will not repeat myself here, save to say that it is one of the best examples of independent sci-fi/horror to come out of this decade. The more times I watch it, the more I find to love about it. It's a great combination of small cast, small set, and a plot that presents an impossible situation for the characters. Unlike Myrick, Altered is the only film that Sanchez has completed since Blair Witch. And he knocks it out of the park.

Sci-fi/Horror Round-Up, pt 1: Introduction

I don't even attempt to hide the fact that I love science fiction and horror movies, even the terrible ones. And by "terrible ones," I mean "most science fiction and horror movies." The two genres are a cesspool of terrible filmmaking, in part because they are the starting ground for many talentless would-be filmmakers. It's easy for directors to start out in sci-fi/horror, because the genres themselves are the attraction to the audience. There's no need for recognizable actors or a coherent script. Just grab some women willing to get topless, a bucket of corn syrup, some red food coloring, and a piece of raw chicken with some rubber hose tentacles stapled on. There, you now have the makings for a sci-fi horror movie. And believe me, lots of people go this route in an attempt to build a career in the movie business.

But what makes these genres so artistically appalling is what can also make them great. Science fiction and horror give a free pass to the filmmakers to do whatever the Hell they want. It's a playground of wild invention and ambition. It exposes a filmmaker's raw talent, or lack thereof. Don't believe me? James Cameron wrote and directed the highest grossing movie in history. His first film was Piranha 2: The Spawning. Yes, killer fish that fly. Peter Jackson started with Bad Taste. Roger Corman is infamous for producing some of the worst sci-fi/horror schlock to ever touch celluloid. His terrible films are also famous for launching the careers of Martin Scorcese, Francis Ford Coppola, John Sayles, Joe Dante, Jack Nicholson, Johnathan Demme, Gale Anne Hurd, Peter Bogdanovich, and Ron Howard's directing career. So suck on that, all other genres!

There is a ton of crap to wade through, but it's always an awarding experience to discover that 1-in-1000 movie that actually manages to have new ideas, or a talented director putting a fresh spin on an old one. It feels special to see a natural filmmaker in their larval stage, struggling to make something original and entertaining with a budget that wouldn't fund a 30-second tampon commercial.

Maybe it has something to do with 9/11 (because if anything changed between 2001 and 2009, it is legally required that the change be attributed to 9/11), but the terrible sci-fi/horror drought of the 90's ("Let's see how many Scream knock-offs we can release in a single year!") gave way to a surprisingly large number of original, well-made movies. The mainstream theatrical releases were still mostly crap, with only a few exceptions (The Descent, Grindhouse, the grossly-underrated Silent Hill). And one of horror's biggest theatrical success stories, The Ring, probably did more harm than good with the number of terrible remakes it inspired. But the indie world has been grinding out respectable films at a steady pace throughout the decade. Not since the 70's has indie sci-fi/horror been this good.

So over the next few posts, I will be commenting on some of these overlooked films. I imagine several of them will have dedicated cult following within the next few years, and some may even eventually be looked back on as landmark moments in the genre (Hyperbole? Never heard of it.)

Hiatus Ended

While I worked through some last minute 2008 misery, I obviously left this here blog unattendiated (now that Bush is gone, I'm going to have to come up with these words myself). Well, playtime is over. It's back to the horrific grind of typing 4-sentence reviews of movies while on company time at an almost bi-monthly pace.


Lower Learning
It's a shame this went straight to DVD. Lower Learning is a solid R-rated comedy about an elementary school on the verge of collapse. Jason Biggs plays the downtrodden vice principal of the school who has to use all his might just to find the will to keep on working. Rob Corddry is the scheming principal who is planning to get the school closed and steal millions of dollars from the state by exploiting an accounting error. On what should be the school's last day, inspector Eva Longoria-Parker shows up to confirm that the school should actually be closed (rather than the elementary school with the massive heroin problem, which provides my favorite moment in the film). Longoria-Parker suspects that Corddry is up to something, and goes along with Biggs in an attempt to save the school. Critics hated this movie (as of this writing, it only has a 3.4 IMDB rating), and I only decided to watch it based on Nathan Rabin's DVD review. Much of the backlash comes from the film enthusiastically creating situations where adults are saying horrible, horrible things to children. This is especially true in the case of the other teachers at the school, hilariously portrayed by Will Sasso as the recently divorced gym teacher("You punch that girl right in her happiness!"), Nat Faxon as a beloved homeroom teacher who pines for the school nurse ("I'm looking for a different kind of love, the kind that's wet and smells a little."), and a scene-stealing Monica Potter as Sasso's depressed ex-wife (when a child asks a question, she just sighs, lights a cigarette and tells him to go fuck himself). Anyone who is easily offended should not be watching this movie. I imagine this film will find a cult audience, because there are tons of quote-worthy lines and throwaway gags (my favorite being Longoria-Parker very casually huffing spray paint while trying to inspire Biggs to overcome his self-doubt). It is absolutely worth a Netflix rental.


Repo! The Genetic Opera
This movie is frickin' surreal. It's a futuristic Goth horror musical with a cast that makes no coherent sense:

Alexa Vega, the girl from Spy Kids
Anthony Head, the guy from Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Sarah Brightman, the Broadway singer
Ogre, the lead singer from industrial band Skinny Puppy
Bill Moseley, from lots of horror movies
Paris Hilton, from......uh.......
Joan Jett, from music
and Paul Sorvino, who you should just know by now.

It's bad, but so very, very fascinating. The songs are not good, and are barely songs. Most of the time it seems like the script had regular dialogue, and the actors just chose to sing the lines instead of speaking them. This sing-speak is annoying at first, but starts to get really addicting after awhile. Writer Terrance Zdunich has the best role as the sometimes-narrator, sometimes-character Graverobber, who has 2 of the film's better songs. Brightman's singing unsurprisingly towers over all the others, but the rest of the cast runs the whole gamut, from the terrible (Moseley, Hilton) through the mediocre (Vega, Sorvino) to the very good (Zdunich and Head, who actually sounds a lot like Bowie). While not a success, this film is certainly a unique experience and ambitious effort, and I will likely end up rewatching it several times.

Zack & Miri Make a Porno

Kevin Smith's sophomore attempt at leaving Jay & Silent Bob behind is exponentially better than his previous effort, Jersey Girl. Zack & Miri Make a Porno is a gleefully vulgar romantic comedy that almost flawlessly merges the worlds of Kevin Smith and Judd Apatow. While Apatow had no direct involvement with Zack & Miri, his influence is undeniable. Apatow regulars Seth Rogan, Elizabeth Banks, Gerry Bednob, Justin Long and Craig Robinson share the screen with Smith's friends Jeff Anderson and Jason Mewes, along with the least cringe-inducing appearance Smith's wife Jennifer Schwalbach has made in a film so far. The result is kind of like an all-star game for potty-mouthed adolescent humor. Robinson steals every scene he's in, but otherwise the cast is universally hilarious, with the exception of a surprisingly underused role by real life porn legend Traci Lords. Cameos by Brandon Routh and Tom Savini are also underwhelming, though I guess Routh can't really be blamed for having his scene stolen by Long. The film's other real pornstar, Katie Morgan, manages to make her character both delightfully ditzy but still endearing (maybe it's just me, but I almost busted out my sides at her delivery of the line "I think they're in Hell."). And of course there's Rogan's Zack and Banks' Miri, who are so incredibly cute and believable together as platonic friends who would secretly love to be with one another. The film's biggest emotional payoff comes when it's time for them to finally have sex. A lesser comedy would have placed this scene near the end of the movie, but Smith cleverly places in in the second act, and lets the results play out over the rest of the film. The last act wraps up a little too nicely, and Smith fumbles some of the more emotion-focused scenes, but overall I enjoyed Zack & Miri Make A Porno nearly as much as Forgetting Sarah Marshall, which is still my favorite movie of the year.

Playing catch-up, per usual

As is my style, I have called in sick to blogging for awhile, so now I have a pile of movies to get through.

Tropic Thunder
A lot less funny than I was expecting, but still entertaining. Robert Downey Jr. in blackface didn't go as far as I'd like to have seen. But I'm happy that Jack Black was essentially pushed to the background, and wasn't a major presence. Tom Cruise gets a lot of (well deserved) credit for his small role, but where is the love for Matthew McConaughey? I laughed harder at McConaughey than I did at Ben Stiller.

Pineapple Express
Also a lot less funny than expected, though still suitably amusing. I'm growing tired of Seth Rogan. He's certainly funny, but he's a one-trick pony. Luckily Pineapple Express surrounds him with great supporting actors (Danny McBride and Craig Robinson, in particular), and pairs him with a gleefully unrestrained stoner performance by James Franco. And as good as most of the minor performances are, I really wish that Rosie Perez had been given something, anything, to do in this movie.

Burn After Reading
I stopped watching this movie about 2/3 through. It had some laugh-out-loud moments and everyone appeared to be putting forth effort, but the script doesn't make the audience care about anyone. There's no one to relate to, so the film just felt like it was wasting my time. But I do want to give it some credit: it has the greatest pure expository scene I have ever witnessed. Around the 2/3 mark (and shortly before I stopped watching), David Rasche's CIA agent walks into his boss' (JK Simmons) office and explains all of the plot's developments up to that point in the movie, with both Rasche and Simmons completely confused by what's happening. Finally, something I could identify with in this damn movie.

Sold Out: A Threevening with Kevin Smith
Smith's third Q&A DVD does nothing new, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. Some of his stories can get a little long (I didn't need to hear that much about his dogs), while I wanted others to be even longer (his experiences working on Die Hard 4). Including the DVD bonus material (which is just more footage), Threevening runs 5 hours, so there's plenty of content to be interested in. Smith is entertaining regardless of the topic, though I am more interested in his candid stories about the entertainment industry (his Battlestar Galactica experience, the proposed live-action Clerks TV series) than I am with his personal life (seriously, like a friggin' hour about his damn dogs). For the $13 I paid Amazon, I certainly got my money's worth just with Smith's stories about Bruce Willis.

Postal
I enjoyed an Uwe Boll movie. As in, actually enjoyed the movie. Not in a campy way.

I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry.

The movie is hit-and-miss, and (it could probably go without saying) horribly directed. But the jokes that work have more punch than those of Tropic Thunder or Pineapple Express, and they succeed with about the same frequency. Thus, of the comedies I've watched recently, Postal has been the best (it should be noted that I just felt a part of me die when I implied that an Uwe Boll comedy was funnier than a Coen Brothers comedy). From the opening scene where a couple of airplane hijackers get into an argument about how many virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife (and whether they ever get refreshed, because even 100 virgins would get old and boring when stretched into eternity) to Osama Bin Laden skipping out on Al Queda's terrorist activities to attend a management seminar, the jokes are so absurd that even the failures make the viewer think "OK, that was dumb, but what the fuck...?" David Foley turns in what I consider to be his best comedic performance since his Kids in the Hall days. Is Postal a classic? No. But comedies haven't been doing so well this year (Forgetting Sarah Marshall being the exception), so Postal stands out as being just slightly edgier and funnier than the rest.

12 to see

Copying from my friend Nick (who was copying from an article he read), here is a list of 12 movies that I need to see. Given the choice between watching a classic masterpiece and a direct-to-DVD Wild Things sequel, I'll choose the crappy movie every time. There is something living inside me that thirsts for garbage. Thus, many older movies have gone embarrassingly unwatched by me. And despite this list, many will continue to be usurped on my Netflix list by the inevitable release of Species 5. So for me, this list is more an admittance of guilt than a list of desires.

12. MASH
Too many memories about the terrible TV show have always kept me from watching the original movie, despite the fact that many consider it Altman's best film.

11. The Blues Brothers
I hate blues, and the sequel was terrible. But I keep hearing how funny the movie is, and that there is an amazing car chase.

10. The films of Sidney Lumet
I haven't seen a single one. Seriously. That needs to change.

9. Any Martin Scorsese movie made before 1985
After Hours is the earliest Scorsese film I've seen. Taxi Driver, Raging Bull, Mean Streets, The King of Comedy. Haven't seen any of them. I have no excuse.

8. Matinee
I've been wanting to watch this Joe Dante comedy for a while now, but it's out of print at the moment.

7. City of God
This one will happen. It's on my Netflix list.

6. Secret Honor
A little-seen Altman film about Richard Nixon, which apparently features the best performance ever given by Philip Baker Hall.

5. Chinatown
Don't say a word, Nick. It's on my media center PC at home, I just haven't watched it yet. But it's there, ready to be viewed the instant I am in the mood for a classic. So back off.

4. The Deer Hunter
Also on my media center PC.

3. 12 Angry Men
Lumet's films are already on this list, but this one gets its own entry. The high-mark for single-set character studies. So I'm told. But I will find out for myself.

I would also like to see William Friedkin's 1997 made-for-TV remake. Look at that cast!

2. The Conversation
#2 on my Netflix queue at the moment.

1. The French Connection
I will watch this tonight. I swear.