Aliens vs. Predator vs. U.S. Army vs. Sheriff vs. Teens vs. Audience

I saw AVP-R (yes, this is how the title appears in the opening credits of the movie [yes, we are that stupid as a society]). And I saw it on Christmas day. After giving the movie a few days to rattle around in the ol' noggin, I am ready to make this statement:

While I love my new GPS unit and Nintendo Wii games (and whether it was meant as a joke or not, my Dane Cook Collector's Hat is quite warm and comfortable), AVP-R was my favorite Christmas present this year.

Don't get confused by that statement. The movie is bad. Really bad. It's the kind of movie that gets rejected by Paul W.S. Anderson. So bad, that as I describe some of the film's details, I am probably going to have to make notes indicating that I am not making jokes. But oh man, it is a movie that knows exactly, with surgical precision, who its audience is. It is a fanboy film in the best and worse sense.

The entire film plays like the directors were holding a checklist of all the cool shit they ever wanted to see an Alien or a Predator do, and just started checking things off the list.

Acid-blood dissolving someone's face? Check.
Bad-ass, Rambo-style Predator? Check.
Bad-ass Predator/Alien hybrid? Check
Predator blowing 2 peoples' heads off at once? Check.
Predator punching an Alien in the face? Check.
Aliens killing babies? Check. (not a joke)

I was giddy for every last second of the film. I also laughed every time an effort was made to develop one of the human characters. Futility can just be so funny sometimes. In the end, I felt most connected to the hot blond girl, because she was hot and had a scene in her underwear. Also because she had the coolest-looking death. If you read that last sentence and wondered why I didn't preface it with a spoiler warning, you are clearly not the intended audience for this movie.

The "story" picks up right at the end of the first AVP "film." The Predalien (not a joke) kills the Predator spaceship crew, and the spaceship crashes in a small Colorado town. After a few encounters with humans, the town is now overrun by newly-birthed Aliens, led by the Predalien. Back on the Predator homeworld, a bounty hunter named Wolf (not a joke) is dispatched to kill the Aliens. Between the Aliens and Wolf, the town is pretty much leveled. It all climaxes with what is essentially a fistfight between Wolf and the Predalien. It's as deep as it sounds. (not a joke)