Aliens vs. Predator vs. U.S. Army vs. Sheriff vs. Teens vs. Audience

I saw AVP-R (yes, this is how the title appears in the opening credits of the movie [yes, we are that stupid as a society]). And I saw it on Christmas day. After giving the movie a few days to rattle around in the ol' noggin, I am ready to make this statement:

While I love my new GPS unit and Nintendo Wii games (and whether it was meant as a joke or not, my Dane Cook Collector's Hat is quite warm and comfortable), AVP-R was my favorite Christmas present this year.

Don't get confused by that statement. The movie is bad. Really bad. It's the kind of movie that gets rejected by Paul W.S. Anderson. So bad, that as I describe some of the film's details, I am probably going to have to make notes indicating that I am not making jokes. But oh man, it is a movie that knows exactly, with surgical precision, who its audience is. It is a fanboy film in the best and worse sense.

The entire film plays like the directors were holding a checklist of all the cool shit they ever wanted to see an Alien or a Predator do, and just started checking things off the list.

Acid-blood dissolving someone's face? Check.
Bad-ass, Rambo-style Predator? Check.
Bad-ass Predator/Alien hybrid? Check
Predator blowing 2 peoples' heads off at once? Check.
Predator punching an Alien in the face? Check.
Aliens killing babies? Check. (not a joke)

I was giddy for every last second of the film. I also laughed every time an effort was made to develop one of the human characters. Futility can just be so funny sometimes. In the end, I felt most connected to the hot blond girl, because she was hot and had a scene in her underwear. Also because she had the coolest-looking death. If you read that last sentence and wondered why I didn't preface it with a spoiler warning, you are clearly not the intended audience for this movie.

The "story" picks up right at the end of the first AVP "film." The Predalien (not a joke) kills the Predator spaceship crew, and the spaceship crashes in a small Colorado town. After a few encounters with humans, the town is now overrun by newly-birthed Aliens, led by the Predalien. Back on the Predator homeworld, a bounty hunter named Wolf (not a joke) is dispatched to kill the Aliens. Between the Aliens and Wolf, the town is pretty much leveled. It all climaxes with what is essentially a fistfight between Wolf and the Predalien. It's as deep as it sounds. (not a joke)

Top 5 Movies I'm Embarrassed to Admit Enjoying

I won't make any excuses for liking these films, because I know in my heart that I have no excuse.

5. Message in a Bottle

4. Sphere

3. A Night at the Roxbury

2. Jason X (yes, the one in space)

1. The Rock*

*Were I to stop a man walking on the street and tell him that I enjoyed The Rock, there is a good chance that he would awkwardly say "So did I, now please let go of my arm." So why am I embarrassed? Because I consort with people whose cinematic palate is more refined. And in this circle, enjoying The Rock is like having cinematic herpes. And they would be right.

Rescue Dawn

I finally got around to watching this one, and I didn't care for it at all. The whole thing felt sloppy. Dieter is not well drawn as a character, and Bale is acting so eccentrically during the entire performance that it becomes hard to tell if the weird little quirks are being caused by his time in captivity or if Dieter is always like that. Steve Zahn does a great job, and I felt a better connection to his character. Too bad he's only around during the second act. Jeremy Davies continues to play Jeremy Davies in every film he's in, and I'm not a fan. Many of the reviews stated that the movie made the jungle seem so oppressive and horrible. I just didn't feel it. Platoon still ranks at the top of my list for making a jungle seem like Hell.

I hope Zahn gets some recognition in the upcoming awards season, but nothing else about this film made an impression on me.