Quick rundown

I've watched quite a few terrible direct-to-DVD movies lately. None of these deserve more than a few words of contempt, and a couple don't even deserve that much (though that is what I will give them, because I am a generous person).

Rise: Blood Hunter
Yes, Lucy Lieu is topless. As are a couple of not-famous people. Also, Lieu makes out with Carla Gugino (though it's not nearly as good as it could have been). Everything else looks like a bad copy of Underworld, only without the werewolves and featuring just the pseudo-Goth vampires. Let me write that again: Rise: Blood Hunter is like a bad copy of Underworld. Anyone with any kind of half-respectable cinematic taste should realize exactly what's implied by that summation. And why is Michael Chiklis' agent so incompetent?

Flight of the Dead
Remember what a rousing success Snakes On a Plane was? Well, now they made it with zombies. It's even worse than it sounds.

Night of the Living Dead 3D
Thank the gods that I only had to watch it in 2D. If there had been an extra dimension to contend with, I might not be alive today to warn others of this film. Even the topless "hot chick" was not enjoyable. Not even Sid Haig, who typically brings joy to every movie frame he graces, could be anything but boring and pointless.

Return to House on Haunted Hill
There should be a "the" between "to" and "House" in the film's title. Apparently the abundantly talented filmmakers overlooked that little detail while they were busy destroying all that was good in the world. It takes a lot, and I do mean a LOT, to make me miss the presence of Chris Kattan. Congratulations Warner Bros. and Dark Castle, you've allowed me to hit a new milestone.

White Noise 2: The Light
Because of course when an educated accountant looks at the runaway success that was White Noise (the film that launched Michael Keaton back into the stratosphere of Hollywood's A-list elite, resulting in the long list of starring roles in high-profile films that you've certainly been aware of over the last 2 years), the first financially-responsible thought is: sequel. And like the dimwitted sucker I am, I was stupid enough to hold out hope for this movie. Nathan Fillion and Katee Sackoff in the same film? Capt. Malcolm Reynolds (which I have a cat named after ::sigh::) AND Starbuck?! My fanboy heart was aflutter. Not so much now that I've seen the movie. I'll give the movie this much: it was better than White Noise. But that's not exactly a compliment, is it?