Satanic Yuppies (1996) / Final Examination (2003)

Cast: Debbie Rochon (both), Kari Wuhrer (Final Examination)

Debbie Rochon is hot. She is so hot that when I describe her as being hot, I am tempted to emphasize her hotness by adding additional T's and perhaps even O's to the word "hot," though certainly not additional H's, 'cause that would just be silly. So hot is she, in fact, that I was tricked into renting these 2 movies from Netflix.

Debbie Rochon is one of the go-to actresses for Troma films, so I certainly wasn't expecting much from her ventures outside the palace of The Toxic Avenger. Even still, Satanic Yuppies was bad enough that I am perfectly willing to spell it "bbbbbaaaaaddddd." I went into the experience expecting nothing, and the film gave me less.

The entire movie appears to be filmed on a bad VHS home camera, and whenever the atmosphere turns to "fear," a piece of red cellophane is placed over the camera lens. Oh, what clever trickery. Pretty early on, I gave up trying to pay attention to the plot. I think it had something to do with a cult or some crazy people, which is sort of a redundant guess. I do know that a bunch of badly-dressed people were running around with knives and chickens, all while drenched in the red glow of whatever Halloween production lighting the crew was able to find at Hobby Lobby. The main Satanic/cult/crazy guy wore all black, was bald, had a black goatee, and glared at everyone. Why would he look like that? When they're not sacrificing virgins and poultry, Satanists have to be able to hold down steady jobs. Even Devil worshippers have to pay the bills, y'know. And even Wal-Mart, with its ever-diminishing standards for employees, would not hire this man.

Rochon is a minor character, and all her scenes involve weird ritual dancing and chicken/virgin slaughter. The film's description on Netflix said there was nudity (which is why I rented it, of course), and there is. Sadly, it is not in the naked form of Debbie Rochon, but in the various sacrifice victims, who are all, of course, illuminated with bad red lighting.

After Satanic Yuppies, I should have learned my lesson. But the Netflix description of Final Examination also listed nudity among its contents. This setup had tricked me before, but Final Examination had a trump card: Kari Wuhrer. That's right, if the nudity did not come from Rochon, then it would most certainly come from Wuhrer. I couldn't lose.

And I didn't.

That's right, 2/3 into the movie there is a sex scene, and Debbie Rochon strips.

It should have been an occasion for rejoicing (and beneath Debbie Rochon's top, there is much to rejoice about), but do remember: there was 2/3 of a movie first.

I don't remember the plot. I know I watched the movie, because about 50 minutes of my life are missing from my memory of that day. I can recall feelings of disbelief, anger, and utter contempt for Kari Wuhrer. And those hazily-recalled feelings confuse me, because usually Kari Wuhrer can do no wrong. No matter how bad the project, her presence(s) is enough to make it worth watching, especially if being watched on a TV with broken speakers.

But not Final Examination. I want to call it appalling, but that discription is 5 letters longer than the word I would prefer to use. The movie is about murders on a college campus. I think. It was really about Kari Wuhrer playing a cop, and looking like she was in the movie because she was being blackmailed by the director, who at any moment might show the rest of the cast/crew photos of Kari screwing a horse. Even for the short-on-talent-but-possessing-large-talents Kari Wuhrer, it was the kind of performance that makes me start to think that maybe Krista Allen isn't such a bad actress after all.

Rochon is a grad student, or medical student, or maybe a janitor. I don't know. I doubt she knew. It doesn't really matter. She seduces Kari's male partner, or maybe her husband, and has sex with him. That's the part you need to know. The rest is the cinematic equivalent of passing a kidneystone. And I don't know how it ended, because I stopped watching after the nudity. Sure, there might have been another sex scene, but it was just not worth it, dammit.

Rochon may be hooottttt, but she is not hot enough to get me through 2 1/2 hours of crap. I leave that job to Kate Winslet.

Crow: Wicked Prayer, The (2005)

Cast: Edward Furlong, Tara Reid, David Boreanaz, Dennis Hopper

Hey, ever wonder where Tara Reid got the money to buy those implants? I think I have found the answer.

Crow: C-cup
Alone in the Dark (her next film): DD-cup

At last the truth is known!

An implant-less Reid co-stars in the 4th film of a franchise that was already dead by the end credits of the 1st sequel. The main attraction in this eulogy for my brain is Edward Furlong. Remember him? Oh, so spunky and rebellious was he in Terminator 2. "That's kid's going places," I thought to myself back then. I also thought eating glue posed no threat to my health. I was wrong on both accounts.

How ridiculous is this film, you ask? I shall answer you with this detail from the film:

The crow returns from the dead with his make-up on.

His make up!

On!

I swear to God, if Dennis Hopper hadn't shown up 3/4 into the film as a pimp, I would have vomited on the television, rotated my head 360 degrees, and found and uncomfortable way to utilize a crucifix. Even Buffy's on-again/off-again boyfriend is here. It's like they packaged Hell for retail distribution.

If you ever see this film on the shelf, follow these simple safety instructions:

1. Look the DVD in the eye. Let it know you see it.
2. Slowly, and unthreateningly, back away from the DVD until out of eyesight.
3. Alert the local authorities that the DVD is in the area.

Hopefully, with the proper knowledge, we can all be safe.